Mexico

The Great White Hunter in Mexico
By: Andrew Smith

July 22, 1936 I had just set off on my first adventure. I was young and excited to finally be out on my own. I knew I would make a name for myself, and I would be revered the whole world over. I had started on this journey after being kicked out of my boarding school, for bringing a gun to school. In my defense I only brought the gun to kill the red tree monkey that had been roaming the halls. Even though I was the one who released it in to the school, but only so it would eat the Mexican howling rats. In retrospect I had also released the rats, but only in a misguided attempt to rid the school of yellow mandariese cockroaches. Which I had also released as part of a misguided science project, and for trying to correct my unlikely series of mistakes I was kicked out of the school that had become my home. I bid farewell to my friends and left the campus with no regrets.

Now I was off on my own and things were getting exciting. Just last night I had camped out in a park and cooked a squirrel for dinner that I caught with my own hands. The next day I herd two old men speaking of their adventures in Mexico during the revolution. I had never been to a foreign country so I headed south, and ended up in Alabama where I met a dog hound named Jake (but that is a different story). So a regained my bearings and headed west then south. In a week I was standing on the border. Every great journey begins with one step, and mine was the step I took over the Mexican border.

I dredged across the Rio Grand and crawled up the opposite bank. I was now in Mexico, it was not as exciting as I would have liked, but I could feel something different in the air. (I quickly discovered it was actually the stench from a donkey farm). I trekked on further south into foreign lands. It was here my survival skills were put to their first great test. I wondered lost in the desert for two days. During that time I discovered that one could milk the local lizards for sustenance. I also learned to keep cool by urinating on my hat, the evaporation urine provided me with a cooling sensation but smelled horrid.

Soon enough I stumbled across a village where I got a good meal and a shower. I spoke very little in the way of Mexican but knew enough to get along. Here I was also able to buy my first rifle, it was on a 22 rifle but at the time it seemed like a cannon. After a day in town I had exhausted all of my funds. So I headed off down the only road leading out of town. I remember it being unbearably hot, I quickly tired and drank all of my water. I then sat down for a rest at a rock out cropping. I was so tired I didn’t even realize that I was laying in a rattle snakes den, until I herd its rattle and hiss. I leapt up so quickly that I crushed it under my boots with out immediately realizing it. This was enough to bring back my senses and harden my resolve to move on.

It was now evening and the sun was setting, a came to a fork in the road. Here I found a sign I couldn’t read, and a mule wagon with a man sleeping in back. I approached the wagon, suddenly a dog hiding under the wagon began to bark. I leapt back, taken by surprise. In a flash the man in the wagon arose and silenced the dog with a bizarre technique, the likes of which I had never seen and never saw again.

I asked the man how he had silenced the dog he grabbed it by the back leg with his right hand and grabbed its shout with the left hand. Then waited until it stopped squirming and flipped it on it’s back. Then he rubbed its stomach with a circular motion and stroked its throat. The dog then let out a satisfied growl. I traveled with this man for a month until I was satisfied I had learned his little trick to perfection. I used it on not only dogs, but coyote’s, a bear, drunks, and even a few gila monsters. I then bid him fare well and went on with my great adventure. Trouble was soon to catch-up with me, and it would do so with vengeance.

Trouble found me in a hotel where I had settled down for the night. I had little money, so the place was a dump even by Mexican standards. It was late, and I had just laid down after a hard days work. I was just starting to drift off when I heard a thud and something shatter in the next room. I was tired so I just rolled over and pulled my covers over my head. I tried my best to ignore the proceeding racket, until I herd the desperate screams of a woman. This sounded bad, I had to find out what was going on over there. I jumped out of bed and leapt into my pants in total darkness. I ran for the door and fell on my face. I had tripped on something, but I couldn’t tell what. I pulled myself up and opened the door, the light in the hall way was blinding to my tired eyes.

I crept next door and listened intently. I heard a creek I turned around to find the door open, and a rough looking man staring back at me. I glanced around the room and saw a woman with a torn blouse crouching in the corner. I reached for the shoulder strap of my gun, only to find my bare shoulder. I realized my gun was lying on the floor of my room, and I had even tripped over it in my haste. The man pulled out a large knife and began to yell, I couldn’t understand him so I paid little attention to him. Then he lunged at me. "Crap," my hand to hand skills were untried, what would I do. I could see an opening so I grabbed him and flipped him on his back. I could tell he was stunned as he lay on the floor. I took the time to grab his knife, then I made a daring move. I used my Mexican dog hypnoses on him and rendered him harm less. The woman jumped up and yammered on for a moment. She was speaking Mexican so I only under stood a fraction of it, but I think she was thanking me. She then fled and I soon returned to my room. I returned to America a week later after slaying the great red bull of Acapulco.

My first adventure is one I’ll never forget and it thought me my most useful skill, Mexican dog hypnoses. I can’t tell you how many times it has saved me from raging beasts and mad men. I lost my first gun to an airline baggage claim, but I still carry that Mexican knife with me where ever I go. I have since returned to Mexico many times, but none of my adventures were quite so memorable.