The Great White Hunter in Mexico
By: Andrew Smith
July 22, 1936 I had just set off on my first adventure. I was young and excited to finally be out on my own. I knew I would make a name for myself, and I would be revered the whole world over. I had started on this journey after being kicked out of my boarding school, for bringing a gun to school. In my defense I only brought the gun to kill the red tree monkey that had been roaming the halls. Even though I was the one who released it in to the school, but only so it would eat the Mexican howling rats. In retrospect I had also released the rats, but only in a misguided attempt to rid the school of yellow mandariese cockroaches. Which I had also released as part of a misguided science project, and for trying to correct my unlikely series of mistakes I was kicked out of the school that had become my home. I bid farewell to my friends and left the campus with no regrets.
Now I was off on my own and things were getting exciting. Just last night I had camped out in a park and cooked a squirrel for dinner that I caught with my own hands. The next day I herd two old men speaking of their adventures in Mexico during the revolution. I had never been to a foreign country so I headed south, and ended up in Alabama where I met a dog hound named Jake (but that is a different story). So a regained my bearings and headed west then south. In a week I was standing on the border. Every great journey begins with one step, and mine was the step I took over the Mexican border.
I dredged across the Rio Grand and crawled up the opposite bank. I was now in Mexico, it was not as exciting as I would have liked, but I could feel something different in the air. (I quickly discovered it was actually the stench from a donkey farm). I trekked on further south into foreign lands. It was here my survival skills were put to their first great test. I wondered lost in the desert for two days. During that time I discovered that one could milk the local lizards for sustenance. I also learned to keep cool by urinating on my hat, the evaporation urine provided me with a cooling sensation but smelled horrid.
Soon enough I stumbled across a village where I got a good meal and a shower. I spoke very little in the way of Mexican but knew enough to get along. Here I was also able to buy my first rifle, it was on a 22 rifle but at the time it seemed like a cannon. After a day in town I had exhausted all of my funds. So I headed off down the only road leading out of town. I remember it being unbearably hot, I quickly tired and drank all of my water. I then sat down for a rest at a rock out cropping. I was so tired I didn’t even realize that I was laying in a rattle snakes den, until I herd its rattle and hiss. I leapt up so quickly that I crushed it under my boots with out immediately realizing it. This was enough to bring back my senses and harden my resolve to move on.
It was now evening and the sun was setting, a came to a fork in the road. Here I found a sign I couldn’t read, and a mule wagon with a man sleeping in back. I approached the wagon, suddenly a dog hiding under the wagon began to bark. I leapt back, taken by surprise. In a flash the man in the wagon arose and silenced the dog with a bizarre technique, the likes of which I had never seen and never saw again.
I asked the man how he had silenced the dog he grabbed it by the back leg with his right hand and grabbed its shout with the left hand. Then waited until it stopped squirming and flipped it on it’s back. Then he rubbed its stomach with a circular motion and stroked its throat. The dog then let out a satisfied growl. I traveled with this man for a month until I was satisfied I had learned his little trick to perfection. I used it on not only dogs, but coyote’s, a bear, drunks, and even a few gila monsters. I then bid him fare well and went on with my great adventure. Trouble was soon to catch-up with me, and it would do so with vengeance.
Trouble found me in a hotel where I had settled down for the night. I had little money, so the place was a dump even by Mexican standards. It was late, and I had just laid down after a hard days work. I was just starting to drift off when I heard a thud and something shatter in the next room. I was tired so I just rolled over and pulled my covers over my head. I tried my best to ignore the proceeding racket, until I herd the desperate screams of a woman. This sounded bad, I had to find out what was going on over there. I jumped out of bed and leapt into my pants in total darkness. I ran for the door and fell on my face. I had tripped on something, but I couldn’t tell what. I pulled myself up and opened the door, the light in the hall way was blinding to my tired eyes.
I crept next door and listened intently. I heard a creek I turned around to find the door open, and a rough looking man staring back at me. I glanced around the room and saw a woman with a torn blouse crouching in the corner. I reached for the shoulder strap of my gun, only to find my bare shoulder. I realized my gun was lying on the floor of my room, and I had even tripped over it in my haste. The man pulled out a large knife and began to yell, I couldn’t understand him so I paid little attention to him. Then he lunged at me. "Crap," my hand to hand skills were untried, what would I do. I could see an opening so I grabbed him and flipped him on his back. I could tell he was stunned as he lay on the floor. I took the time to grab his knife, then I made a daring move. I used my Mexican dog hypnoses on him and rendered him harm less. The woman jumped up and yammered on for a moment. She was speaking Mexican so I only under stood a fraction of it, but I think she was thanking me. She then fled and I soon returned to my room. I returned to America a week later after slaying the great red bull of Acapulco.
My first adventure is one I’ll never forget and it thought me my most useful skill, Mexican dog hypnoses. I can’t tell you how many times it has saved me from raging beasts and mad men. I lost my first gun to an airline baggage claim, but I still carry that Mexican knife with me where ever I go. I have since returned to Mexico many times, but none of my adventures were quite so memorable.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Ghost Hunt
The Great White Hunter Meets the Ghost of a Demon
By: Andrew Smith
December 2, 1979. A Cossack named Sereite, whom I owed a substantial debt to, had called me to Siberia. I’d rather not get into any details, but it was a debt I felt I had to repay. I met him deep in the Siberian wilderness, in a tiny town whose name escapes me.
Out side of the station was in old man selling gipsy charms. As I walked by he froze, then he silently approached and handed me a tiger claw. I examined the item then turned to the old man, he was gone. I had not the time to waste on foolish games, so I stuffed the claw in my jacket’s packet and moved on.
It was a miserable place where old men tripped through the streets dunk. The snow that fell was not a pure white but a sad dark grey that made me long for death. I found Sereite staring off into the distance dreaming of god only knows what. He quickly came to and greeted me by furiously shaking my hand and slapping me on the shoulder. "Stop it already, and tell me why you have summoned me. It must be something big for you to call in the one and only favor that I owe you."
"A challenge truly up to your standards." He said with a smile on his face. "Talk is cheep as you Americans say. So let me show you."
He took me to the edge of town where two snowmobiles were waiting. He hopped on and shouted over the roar of the engine "Follow me." Then sped off. I hopped on the remaining snowmobile and followed him. He was long out of sight, so I had to follow his tracks though the fresh snow. I wove in and out of trees and across a frozen lake, Sereite was clearly having fun with this chase. I rode on for almost an hour, and realized I was low on fuel. Damn, where was he? Finally out of the trees appeared a hunting lodge, with a snowmobile in front of it. I parked in front of the lodge and went in. I found Sereite sitting in a chair in front of a fireplace trying to role a cigarette. His hands were nearly frozen and he was having trouble, he soon abandon his attempts and threw the paper and tobacco into the fireplace. He then tuned to me and smiled, "Take a seat." He said, as he gestured to an empty chair.
I plopped down in the worn wooden chair and reached into my jacket and pulled out a flask, only to find Sereite holding up a large bottle of vodka. "The weather calls for a good drink. Don’t you agree?" He poured the contents of the bottle into two small glasses and handed one to me. I raised my glass to Sereite, only to find he had already guzzled his down his first shot and was now pouring his second. I took a swig and emptied the glass. The vodkia was sharp and warmed my gut. As soon as I set my empty glass down on the table Sereite poured me another glass. "What do you want?" I asked him. "To kill Siberian tiger that has harassed these parts for more then a year."
"That’s it? Couldn’t you get someone else to do that? Its only a tiger." Sereite slammed down his glass and took on a dead serious expression. "The locals think this tiger is a demon, it has killed the last twelve hunters who tried to kill it. No hunter in all the Soviet union will set foot in that forest alone, including me."
"You’ve set traps right? Set enough and one is bound to catch it." Sereite began to laugh, "one hunter was killed setting up a trap, and two more while checking on their traps. I my self set a few by the river, and returned to find two of them destroyed. This tiger hunts hunters, almost as if it finds sport in it."
I
butted in to the conversation, "Its only a tiger, and I’ll show you what sport really is."
Serete laughed, "Grab your gun and follow me, no traps, no dogs, no blinds, just you, me, and our guns."
We sped through the frozen forest on snowmobile, looking for any tracks or kills we could find. After three hours, nothing. I was ready for a lunch break. Sereite stopped, I pulled up to him. He pointed to a near by hill and said something I couldn’t make out over the engine, then sped off, I quickly followed. At the base of the hill we stopped again and got off our snowmobiles, then hiked to the top. The slope was covered in show, making the climb difficult. Once at the top we ate some salted meat we had brought with us, and drank some more of Sereite’s vodica. Sereite pulled out a pair of binoculars and scanned the country side. Up hear you could see just how vast and desolate the land was. No houses, no smoke, no one around for miles. "I think I have something." Sereite said as he zoomed in with his binoculars. "Let us go now." He then slid down the hillside, I followed with much less grace. We hopped back on the snowmobiles and were off. "You move in I’ll cover you from behind." Said Sereite, as he primed his gun. I could see it about 200 feet away.
It was not the tiger, but a carcass. I causally moved in. I knew tigers would return to uneaten kills, even if they were several days old. I darted through trees keeping a sharp eye on my surroundings. I was now within ten feet of the carcass, it was striped so clean I couldn’t even identify what it had been in life (a reindeer). The coast was clear and Sereite had my back so I set my rifle next to a tree and walked up the kill. I looked around for look for tracks, and saw none, but I herd something. Suddenly a huge badger burst out of the ribcage of the carcass. It snarled and growled, then lunged for me. I reached for my rifle only to have it slide off the tree trunk and sink into the deep snow. I reached for my knife just as the badger bit into my left boot. With a crack the badger fell dead. I examined my foot to find it scratched but no worse for wear. I then stood up and saw Sereite waving his rifle in the air,
"Looks like you are once again in debt to me Hunter!" He shouted as he danced around waving his gun. It was then I saw a tiger on a bank opposite Sereite sneaking in for the kill. I shouted, but he could not hear. I crawled to the tree where I had set my rifle, and dug through the snow. I looked up to see the tiger quickly moving in, I dug faster then found it. I raised the gun and dusted off the snow. I quickly threw the bolt and took aim. With a bang Sereite froze and turned to see a Siberian tiger in its last moments of life floundering behind him. He leapt for safety and brought his own gun to bear unloading a whole clip into the dying beast. I stood up only to hear a rustling sound behind me. I turned to see nothing. I ran back to Sereite and the snowmobiles.
"Great work. We make quite the team." Said Sereite as I approached.
"Consider us even." Was my only response. Sereite tied the tiger’s corpse to the back of his snowmobile, while I grabbed a drink. As I took a swig of vodka I saw something out of the corner of my eye. "Sereite, could Siberian tigers hunt in teams? Like wolves or lions." He paused for a moment.
"I have never herd of such, they would probably kill one another before they could kill any prey."
"What if we lie on the border of two territories, we could still have another?"
"Maybe." He answered. I turned around and skimmed the tree line. I saw nothing, not even a place for a tiger to hide. I turned back to Sereite to find a tiger perched atop his dead body. It was so fast and silent, how could this have happened? The tiger stared at me and wagged its tail. I reached for my gun and as I did the tiger claw the old man had given me fell from my pocket. The beast froze and stared at the claw as if it was some acursed charm. I saw the opening and fired. Just then the beast moved, and I missed. It leapt high, it soared off into the sky and landed silently more twenty feet away and disappeared behind a tree. I looked around and fond the corpse of the first tiger gone. I was then I began to comprehend what had just happened. I knew what I had seen was no ordinary tiger, it had the chance to kill me but didn’t. I decided one dead man and ond dead tiger was enough. I grabbed Sereite’s body and fled.
Upon my return to the village I dropped off my friends’ body at a church and headed to the train station. I can only guess what I saw in the wilderness a ghost. After my departure no more attacks were reported. As for the old man and the charm, I don’t know what he was saying. I can only guess it was his thanks, but I still cant help but think he knew something about the tiger, perhaps the claw came from the ghost tigers corpse, but who knows.
By: Andrew Smith
December 2, 1979. A Cossack named Sereite, whom I owed a substantial debt to, had called me to Siberia. I’d rather not get into any details, but it was a debt I felt I had to repay. I met him deep in the Siberian wilderness, in a tiny town whose name escapes me.
Out side of the station was in old man selling gipsy charms. As I walked by he froze, then he silently approached and handed me a tiger claw. I examined the item then turned to the old man, he was gone. I had not the time to waste on foolish games, so I stuffed the claw in my jacket’s packet and moved on.
It was a miserable place where old men tripped through the streets dunk. The snow that fell was not a pure white but a sad dark grey that made me long for death. I found Sereite staring off into the distance dreaming of god only knows what. He quickly came to and greeted me by furiously shaking my hand and slapping me on the shoulder. "Stop it already, and tell me why you have summoned me. It must be something big for you to call in the one and only favor that I owe you."
"A challenge truly up to your standards." He said with a smile on his face. "Talk is cheep as you Americans say. So let me show you."
He took me to the edge of town where two snowmobiles were waiting. He hopped on and shouted over the roar of the engine "Follow me." Then sped off. I hopped on the remaining snowmobile and followed him. He was long out of sight, so I had to follow his tracks though the fresh snow. I wove in and out of trees and across a frozen lake, Sereite was clearly having fun with this chase. I rode on for almost an hour, and realized I was low on fuel. Damn, where was he? Finally out of the trees appeared a hunting lodge, with a snowmobile in front of it. I parked in front of the lodge and went in. I found Sereite sitting in a chair in front of a fireplace trying to role a cigarette. His hands were nearly frozen and he was having trouble, he soon abandon his attempts and threw the paper and tobacco into the fireplace. He then tuned to me and smiled, "Take a seat." He said, as he gestured to an empty chair.
I plopped down in the worn wooden chair and reached into my jacket and pulled out a flask, only to find Sereite holding up a large bottle of vodka. "The weather calls for a good drink. Don’t you agree?" He poured the contents of the bottle into two small glasses and handed one to me. I raised my glass to Sereite, only to find he had already guzzled his down his first shot and was now pouring his second. I took a swig and emptied the glass. The vodkia was sharp and warmed my gut. As soon as I set my empty glass down on the table Sereite poured me another glass. "What do you want?" I asked him. "To kill Siberian tiger that has harassed these parts for more then a year."
"That’s it? Couldn’t you get someone else to do that? Its only a tiger." Sereite slammed down his glass and took on a dead serious expression. "The locals think this tiger is a demon, it has killed the last twelve hunters who tried to kill it. No hunter in all the Soviet union will set foot in that forest alone, including me."
"You’ve set traps right? Set enough and one is bound to catch it." Sereite began to laugh, "one hunter was killed setting up a trap, and two more while checking on their traps. I my self set a few by the river, and returned to find two of them destroyed. This tiger hunts hunters, almost as if it finds sport in it."
I
butted in to the conversation, "Its only a tiger, and I’ll show you what sport really is."
Serete laughed, "Grab your gun and follow me, no traps, no dogs, no blinds, just you, me, and our guns."
We sped through the frozen forest on snowmobile, looking for any tracks or kills we could find. After three hours, nothing. I was ready for a lunch break. Sereite stopped, I pulled up to him. He pointed to a near by hill and said something I couldn’t make out over the engine, then sped off, I quickly followed. At the base of the hill we stopped again and got off our snowmobiles, then hiked to the top. The slope was covered in show, making the climb difficult. Once at the top we ate some salted meat we had brought with us, and drank some more of Sereite’s vodica. Sereite pulled out a pair of binoculars and scanned the country side. Up hear you could see just how vast and desolate the land was. No houses, no smoke, no one around for miles. "I think I have something." Sereite said as he zoomed in with his binoculars. "Let us go now." He then slid down the hillside, I followed with much less grace. We hopped back on the snowmobiles and were off. "You move in I’ll cover you from behind." Said Sereite, as he primed his gun. I could see it about 200 feet away.
It was not the tiger, but a carcass. I causally moved in. I knew tigers would return to uneaten kills, even if they were several days old. I darted through trees keeping a sharp eye on my surroundings. I was now within ten feet of the carcass, it was striped so clean I couldn’t even identify what it had been in life (a reindeer). The coast was clear and Sereite had my back so I set my rifle next to a tree and walked up the kill. I looked around for look for tracks, and saw none, but I herd something. Suddenly a huge badger burst out of the ribcage of the carcass. It snarled and growled, then lunged for me. I reached for my rifle only to have it slide off the tree trunk and sink into the deep snow. I reached for my knife just as the badger bit into my left boot. With a crack the badger fell dead. I examined my foot to find it scratched but no worse for wear. I then stood up and saw Sereite waving his rifle in the air,
"Looks like you are once again in debt to me Hunter!" He shouted as he danced around waving his gun. It was then I saw a tiger on a bank opposite Sereite sneaking in for the kill. I shouted, but he could not hear. I crawled to the tree where I had set my rifle, and dug through the snow. I looked up to see the tiger quickly moving in, I dug faster then found it. I raised the gun and dusted off the snow. I quickly threw the bolt and took aim. With a bang Sereite froze and turned to see a Siberian tiger in its last moments of life floundering behind him. He leapt for safety and brought his own gun to bear unloading a whole clip into the dying beast. I stood up only to hear a rustling sound behind me. I turned to see nothing. I ran back to Sereite and the snowmobiles.
"Great work. We make quite the team." Said Sereite as I approached.
"Consider us even." Was my only response. Sereite tied the tiger’s corpse to the back of his snowmobile, while I grabbed a drink. As I took a swig of vodka I saw something out of the corner of my eye. "Sereite, could Siberian tigers hunt in teams? Like wolves or lions." He paused for a moment.
"I have never herd of such, they would probably kill one another before they could kill any prey."
"What if we lie on the border of two territories, we could still have another?"
"Maybe." He answered. I turned around and skimmed the tree line. I saw nothing, not even a place for a tiger to hide. I turned back to Sereite to find a tiger perched atop his dead body. It was so fast and silent, how could this have happened? The tiger stared at me and wagged its tail. I reached for my gun and as I did the tiger claw the old man had given me fell from my pocket. The beast froze and stared at the claw as if it was some acursed charm. I saw the opening and fired. Just then the beast moved, and I missed. It leapt high, it soared off into the sky and landed silently more twenty feet away and disappeared behind a tree. I looked around and fond the corpse of the first tiger gone. I was then I began to comprehend what had just happened. I knew what I had seen was no ordinary tiger, it had the chance to kill me but didn’t. I decided one dead man and ond dead tiger was enough. I grabbed Sereite’s body and fled.
Upon my return to the village I dropped off my friends’ body at a church and headed to the train station. I can only guess what I saw in the wilderness a ghost. After my departure no more attacks were reported. As for the old man and the charm, I don’t know what he was saying. I can only guess it was his thanks, but I still cant help but think he knew something about the tiger, perhaps the claw came from the ghost tigers corpse, but who knows.
Darwin Eve
Project: Darwin Eve
By: Andrew Smith
November, 14 1983 I was laying in bed, in my secret base built into a mesa some were in the Western United States. I had been awaken by the sound of a large helicopter flying dangerously low at 2:03 AM. I could tell by the sound that it was a sea stallion used by the US Navy and Marine core. It was now 2:09 I was awaiting the arrival of my uninvited guests, with knife and gun in hand. I could hear foot steps in the hall, they moved ever closer. There were four, no five of them. They stopped at my door, the door flung open two marines fell through the doorway flat on their faces. I could see in the dark three more standing in the doorway, suddenly the lights flipped on. I could now see Pasanga holding up two unconscious marines. Good work I applauded, "Is that all of them?"
"No, Pou’butso is holding off eight more in the heliport." I looked to Pasang and asked "where is their commander, I’m sure he wants to talk." One of the marines pulled himself off of the floor and answered, "That would be me, I have been sent to retrieve you."
The seats in the sea stallion were very uncomfortable, the marines continually eyed me and Pasang. I had brought him along, from the sound of the marine commander this would be a tough mission for which I would need all the help I could get. Pou’butso had stayed behind to clean up despite my request for him to accompany us. Despite his stout build he was a deadly warrior who had fought along side gurkhas, and members of the SAS. I suppose he had grown weary of battle and bloodshed, but he undeniably had the instincts of a great warrior. The helicopter suddenly set down, the engine stopped abruptly. I started to get up. The commander motioned for me to stop, when I herd the screech of medal on metal. The helicopter slowly descended into the depths of a giant elevator shaft. The sunlight disappeared and was replaced by the blue glow of halogen light bulbs. The elevator came to a screeching halt. At that very moment I was blind folded and wisp away.
When the blind fold was removed I found my self sitting alone in a very dark room. Nine lights came on in front of me illuminating nine cloaked men. I knew immediately that they were the counsel of the Imperator General. One of them held a file which he tossed at my feet. I saw it was a classified report of "Project Darwin Eve." I had herd roomers of such a project in my travels. A plot to use trained monkeys as soldiers. I had dismissed them all as roomers for the same had been whispered about the Germans after the second World War. The masked man then spoke in a low but dramatic voice.
"We have summoned you here because once again the communists threaten our political and economic dominance of the world. We have discovered that a base we destroyed in Siberia several months ago was only a research facility. By then we had uncovered a breeding facility near Moscow, it was destroyed 56 hours ago. To our surprise we learned only nine hours ago that the ‘sniper monkeys’ and staff of the facility had already been evacuated." A screen appeared with some meaning less satellite photos displayed on it. "Those monkeys have now been sent to East Germany where they are poised to strike into the heart of Europe. If Europe falls it is only a matter of time…" I intervened " I under stand, and accept the mission." I had no interest in their cult of power and no fear of them. This was the excitement I had craved all my life. "I’ll need help though."
"It has already been arranged," the imperator answered. He and his collages silently filed out of the room as it filled with knock out gas.
I awoke in a rundown room with a case of gear and Pasang lying at my side. I looked around to find a tall man in a dark blue jacket standing next to a shared window smoking a cigarette. He turned around and glared at me with his dark blue eyes piercing through me. Only twice before had I seen eyes as serious as his. For a moment I felt myself waver with a hint of fear in my heart. I regained my composure and demanded his name. He laughed and took a few steps near me " I am baron Eudemon Von Ryan Preussen IV, rightful lord of the kingdom of Prussia and last surviving heir to the house of Rookstine." I had herd of his clan, they refused to support the Keizer in the Franco-Prussian War and fled to East Africa, a loosely governed German territory. There they hid for decades fighting the Boars, the British, and then the communists. He threw down his cigarette and said " you may call me Von Ryan, we will be partners on this mission."
"You best not get in my way," I snapped back as I pulled my self off of the floor. He laughed, then remarked " Big talk for a man who was saved by a mere child." He examined Pasang, "I see you have brought him along again, to bail you out I assume."
"Where did you hear…" he cut in with a smirk on his face. "You are The Great White Hunter, your reputation is one of legend."
" Well I’m glad you have herd of me, but no doubt some of those tales were under stated and were far more amazing and heralding in real life." Von Ryan glared at me
"We work together on this mission because they told us to, not because I have any respect for you."
"The feeling is mutual." I answered. Von Ryan said nothing, he then unveiled a map. I was not surprised to see it was a map of East Germany, old Prussia. "We will go by my plan." He demanded as he pointed to makings he had made on the map.
"We will assault the monkey horde here." He said as he pointed to western shore of the Elbe. "They number near 40,000, and they appear to have two companies of tanks supporting them. Precision missile attacks should thin down their numbers, but I need you to protect me while I mark targets with the laser guidance system we have been generosity provided."
"No problem." I answered. I turned to wake Pasang, but he had already awaken and had taken up a sniper rifle. "Lets get this over with." I said as we gathered up our equipment and filed out the door.
As we walked down the dismal street Von Ryan suggested we grab a drink before we left on our mission. "Sounds good, how about you pay." He then led us into a small bar on the corner of a dark alley and an empty street. We entered to find only a sleeping bar tender. I slammed my fist on the bar and demanded three bottles of the finest whiskey In the house. We were surprised when the bar tender brought some vintage Jack Daniels. We began to drink and sing and make absolute fools out of our selves. The night wore on we drank more and more. Finally Von Ryan suggested we play a game to pass the night away, I was intrigued.
He slammed a revolver on the table and said, "familiar with Russian roulette." I laughed as he loaded a bullet into the gun and spun the cylinder he handed the gun to me and said, "you first." I held the gun to my head and as I wrapped my finger around the trigger I paused. I noticed the intent in Von Ryan’s eyes, I saw through his game. I pulled the revolver away from my head and flipped open the cylinder to find every chamber full. I looked up to find Von Ryan holding his carbine in my face. I glanced at Pasang, he was unconscious. "Boy can’t hold his drink." Said Von Ryan. "Your probably wondering why I want to kill you. Well you and your exploits brought great pain to my noble family. Marauding through Africa you destroyed our cartels clutch on the natives. Not to mention you destroyed our demand mine, causing us a fortune. You thought your deeds would never come back to bite you in the ass did you?"
"I have no regrets." I answered. Von Ryan laughed, he laughed and laughed. He looked like a mad man off an old movie. Suddenly the he was knocked flat on his face by the bar tender. "You get out, we is closing." He said with a thick accent. I tossed a few twenties on the table and grabbed both Pasang and Von Ryan and drug them out and across the street into an alley where I then fell unconscious.
The next morning I was awakened by Von Ryan. He was shaking me frantically, I a slapped him away, and sat up to see two dead monkeys at the mouth of the alley. I looked at my watch, only to realize we had all been unconscious for nearly two days. The invasion was already under way. "I was going to leave you here to die, but there were too many of them." Said Von Ryan as he gasped for breath. " Slow down, and explain the situation." I commanded. Von Ryan paused for a moment to catch his breath. "I awoke early yesterday, and thought I could handle them with out you. I took a good position on a tower at the edge of this city. There I used the laser guidance system to destroy the tanks and about two thirds of the monkeys. As soon as they took heavy casualties they all split up and fanned out. I still was not worried until they started to fire, I couldn’t pen point them. I tried to move around and get around them but they’re too numerous."
"Maybe they are just too clever for you." I answered.
" Get serious." Von Ryan demanded. I thought for a moment, how could I round up thousands of monkeys for the slaughter. But all the booze had left me with a serious hang over. Then it hit me. Beer, spirits of any kind the monkeys would go straight for the booze and we would have them right where we wanted them. I awoke Pasang and informed him and Von Ryan of my plan.
We then ran about gathering all the booze we could We got help from the old bar owner after I tossed him a pile of twenties. We then placed all the booze in the square and cracked open a few cases. The wind wafted the smell all across the city, this attracted the attention of the locals whom we then had to chase off.
Once we had all of our preparations set up we ran for a church nearly three blocks away. We figured we should be safe at that distance, and the bell tower was the ideal spot to observe the square. In only five minutes a huge horde of soviet sniper monkeys with their little red star caps and rifles filled the square. Von Ryan aimed his laser into their masses. "It will take a few minutes, so watch my back." He said. All seemed to be going well, as the clock counted down. Suddenly three monkeys swung in, and these were no normal monkeys. They wore flack jackets and carried each a belt with twin pistols. These were no doubt the elites among the ranks. I unloaded a bullet directly into each one of their heads before they could react.
What were these commies thinking sending monkeys in place of men? I glanced at Von Ryan he nodded his head. It was then another monkey swing in from the opposite side of the bell tower it landed on Von Ryan. This one wore a head band and carried two knives it slashed at Von Ryan, and took out his right eye leaving a gash down his cheek. He screamed in agony, but as soon as I took aim at the monkey it jumped me. I dropped my rifle and we both went roiling out of the bell tower, we slid down the roof and fell into a bombed out building. I managed to knock the knives away from the monkey, but he was now pinning me down. He was too heavy. He was a strong one at that, we exchanged glares for a moment. I knew what to do I reached up and pulled his headband over his eyes. The monkey panicked and let go of me for just a moment. That moment was enough. I grabbed him and tossed him over a wall I sent a grenade with him. I ducked and covered my ears. I felt the explosion. Followed by another bigger explosion, that shook the earth. We had done it.
I stood up and brushed myself off. I decided to find Pasang and leave as soon as possible. Hopefully Von Ryan had cooled down now that I had saved his life, but who knows. I stumbled around until I found myself in front of the church. I realized what an ominous place this abandon gothic church was. As I entered again I saw gargoiles glaring at me, the head of an angle lay at ones feet. I climbed to the top of the bell tower and found no trace of Von Ryan. I walked over to Pasang only to find him laying in a pool of blood, with a bullet hole in his head. I heard the crackle of a walky-talky. I saw it next to Pasang. I picked it up to hear Von Ryan’s voice. "Surprised." He said.
"Why." I Pleaded. At that moment a bullet zoomed by the left side of my head, followed by another to the right.
"Would you rather I kill you." He responded. "Remember this day and know in the back of your mind that today you lost to me and some day I may return and claim your life. Of course with your pride shattered I guess your worse off than dead." He laughed hysterical. I clutched the walky-talky in my left hand, and punched the wall with my right. "Remember on this day I let you go because you saved my life, but next time will be different." The line then fell silent. "DAMN YOU VOM RYAN!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. Why hadn’t he killed me was this only a game to him, or did he really have some twisted sense of honor. No he wouldn’t have killed the boy it that was the case. No matter I would find that bastard and even the score, even if it cost me my life.
By: Andrew Smith
November, 14 1983 I was laying in bed, in my secret base built into a mesa some were in the Western United States. I had been awaken by the sound of a large helicopter flying dangerously low at 2:03 AM. I could tell by the sound that it was a sea stallion used by the US Navy and Marine core. It was now 2:09 I was awaiting the arrival of my uninvited guests, with knife and gun in hand. I could hear foot steps in the hall, they moved ever closer. There were four, no five of them. They stopped at my door, the door flung open two marines fell through the doorway flat on their faces. I could see in the dark three more standing in the doorway, suddenly the lights flipped on. I could now see Pasanga holding up two unconscious marines. Good work I applauded, "Is that all of them?"
"No, Pou’butso is holding off eight more in the heliport." I looked to Pasang and asked "where is their commander, I’m sure he wants to talk." One of the marines pulled himself off of the floor and answered, "That would be me, I have been sent to retrieve you."
The seats in the sea stallion were very uncomfortable, the marines continually eyed me and Pasang. I had brought him along, from the sound of the marine commander this would be a tough mission for which I would need all the help I could get. Pou’butso had stayed behind to clean up despite my request for him to accompany us. Despite his stout build he was a deadly warrior who had fought along side gurkhas, and members of the SAS. I suppose he had grown weary of battle and bloodshed, but he undeniably had the instincts of a great warrior. The helicopter suddenly set down, the engine stopped abruptly. I started to get up. The commander motioned for me to stop, when I herd the screech of medal on metal. The helicopter slowly descended into the depths of a giant elevator shaft. The sunlight disappeared and was replaced by the blue glow of halogen light bulbs. The elevator came to a screeching halt. At that very moment I was blind folded and wisp away.
When the blind fold was removed I found my self sitting alone in a very dark room. Nine lights came on in front of me illuminating nine cloaked men. I knew immediately that they were the counsel of the Imperator General. One of them held a file which he tossed at my feet. I saw it was a classified report of "Project Darwin Eve." I had herd roomers of such a project in my travels. A plot to use trained monkeys as soldiers. I had dismissed them all as roomers for the same had been whispered about the Germans after the second World War. The masked man then spoke in a low but dramatic voice.
"We have summoned you here because once again the communists threaten our political and economic dominance of the world. We have discovered that a base we destroyed in Siberia several months ago was only a research facility. By then we had uncovered a breeding facility near Moscow, it was destroyed 56 hours ago. To our surprise we learned only nine hours ago that the ‘sniper monkeys’ and staff of the facility had already been evacuated." A screen appeared with some meaning less satellite photos displayed on it. "Those monkeys have now been sent to East Germany where they are poised to strike into the heart of Europe. If Europe falls it is only a matter of time…" I intervened " I under stand, and accept the mission." I had no interest in their cult of power and no fear of them. This was the excitement I had craved all my life. "I’ll need help though."
"It has already been arranged," the imperator answered. He and his collages silently filed out of the room as it filled with knock out gas.
I awoke in a rundown room with a case of gear and Pasang lying at my side. I looked around to find a tall man in a dark blue jacket standing next to a shared window smoking a cigarette. He turned around and glared at me with his dark blue eyes piercing through me. Only twice before had I seen eyes as serious as his. For a moment I felt myself waver with a hint of fear in my heart. I regained my composure and demanded his name. He laughed and took a few steps near me " I am baron Eudemon Von Ryan Preussen IV, rightful lord of the kingdom of Prussia and last surviving heir to the house of Rookstine." I had herd of his clan, they refused to support the Keizer in the Franco-Prussian War and fled to East Africa, a loosely governed German territory. There they hid for decades fighting the Boars, the British, and then the communists. He threw down his cigarette and said " you may call me Von Ryan, we will be partners on this mission."
"You best not get in my way," I snapped back as I pulled my self off of the floor. He laughed, then remarked " Big talk for a man who was saved by a mere child." He examined Pasang, "I see you have brought him along again, to bail you out I assume."
"Where did you hear…" he cut in with a smirk on his face. "You are The Great White Hunter, your reputation is one of legend."
" Well I’m glad you have herd of me, but no doubt some of those tales were under stated and were far more amazing and heralding in real life." Von Ryan glared at me
"We work together on this mission because they told us to, not because I have any respect for you."
"The feeling is mutual." I answered. Von Ryan said nothing, he then unveiled a map. I was not surprised to see it was a map of East Germany, old Prussia. "We will go by my plan." He demanded as he pointed to makings he had made on the map.
"We will assault the monkey horde here." He said as he pointed to western shore of the Elbe. "They number near 40,000, and they appear to have two companies of tanks supporting them. Precision missile attacks should thin down their numbers, but I need you to protect me while I mark targets with the laser guidance system we have been generosity provided."
"No problem." I answered. I turned to wake Pasang, but he had already awaken and had taken up a sniper rifle. "Lets get this over with." I said as we gathered up our equipment and filed out the door.
As we walked down the dismal street Von Ryan suggested we grab a drink before we left on our mission. "Sounds good, how about you pay." He then led us into a small bar on the corner of a dark alley and an empty street. We entered to find only a sleeping bar tender. I slammed my fist on the bar and demanded three bottles of the finest whiskey In the house. We were surprised when the bar tender brought some vintage Jack Daniels. We began to drink and sing and make absolute fools out of our selves. The night wore on we drank more and more. Finally Von Ryan suggested we play a game to pass the night away, I was intrigued.
He slammed a revolver on the table and said, "familiar with Russian roulette." I laughed as he loaded a bullet into the gun and spun the cylinder he handed the gun to me and said, "you first." I held the gun to my head and as I wrapped my finger around the trigger I paused. I noticed the intent in Von Ryan’s eyes, I saw through his game. I pulled the revolver away from my head and flipped open the cylinder to find every chamber full. I looked up to find Von Ryan holding his carbine in my face. I glanced at Pasang, he was unconscious. "Boy can’t hold his drink." Said Von Ryan. "Your probably wondering why I want to kill you. Well you and your exploits brought great pain to my noble family. Marauding through Africa you destroyed our cartels clutch on the natives. Not to mention you destroyed our demand mine, causing us a fortune. You thought your deeds would never come back to bite you in the ass did you?"
"I have no regrets." I answered. Von Ryan laughed, he laughed and laughed. He looked like a mad man off an old movie. Suddenly the he was knocked flat on his face by the bar tender. "You get out, we is closing." He said with a thick accent. I tossed a few twenties on the table and grabbed both Pasang and Von Ryan and drug them out and across the street into an alley where I then fell unconscious.
The next morning I was awakened by Von Ryan. He was shaking me frantically, I a slapped him away, and sat up to see two dead monkeys at the mouth of the alley. I looked at my watch, only to realize we had all been unconscious for nearly two days. The invasion was already under way. "I was going to leave you here to die, but there were too many of them." Said Von Ryan as he gasped for breath. " Slow down, and explain the situation." I commanded. Von Ryan paused for a moment to catch his breath. "I awoke early yesterday, and thought I could handle them with out you. I took a good position on a tower at the edge of this city. There I used the laser guidance system to destroy the tanks and about two thirds of the monkeys. As soon as they took heavy casualties they all split up and fanned out. I still was not worried until they started to fire, I couldn’t pen point them. I tried to move around and get around them but they’re too numerous."
"Maybe they are just too clever for you." I answered.
" Get serious." Von Ryan demanded. I thought for a moment, how could I round up thousands of monkeys for the slaughter. But all the booze had left me with a serious hang over. Then it hit me. Beer, spirits of any kind the monkeys would go straight for the booze and we would have them right where we wanted them. I awoke Pasang and informed him and Von Ryan of my plan.
We then ran about gathering all the booze we could We got help from the old bar owner after I tossed him a pile of twenties. We then placed all the booze in the square and cracked open a few cases. The wind wafted the smell all across the city, this attracted the attention of the locals whom we then had to chase off.
Once we had all of our preparations set up we ran for a church nearly three blocks away. We figured we should be safe at that distance, and the bell tower was the ideal spot to observe the square. In only five minutes a huge horde of soviet sniper monkeys with their little red star caps and rifles filled the square. Von Ryan aimed his laser into their masses. "It will take a few minutes, so watch my back." He said. All seemed to be going well, as the clock counted down. Suddenly three monkeys swung in, and these were no normal monkeys. They wore flack jackets and carried each a belt with twin pistols. These were no doubt the elites among the ranks. I unloaded a bullet directly into each one of their heads before they could react.
What were these commies thinking sending monkeys in place of men? I glanced at Von Ryan he nodded his head. It was then another monkey swing in from the opposite side of the bell tower it landed on Von Ryan. This one wore a head band and carried two knives it slashed at Von Ryan, and took out his right eye leaving a gash down his cheek. He screamed in agony, but as soon as I took aim at the monkey it jumped me. I dropped my rifle and we both went roiling out of the bell tower, we slid down the roof and fell into a bombed out building. I managed to knock the knives away from the monkey, but he was now pinning me down. He was too heavy. He was a strong one at that, we exchanged glares for a moment. I knew what to do I reached up and pulled his headband over his eyes. The monkey panicked and let go of me for just a moment. That moment was enough. I grabbed him and tossed him over a wall I sent a grenade with him. I ducked and covered my ears. I felt the explosion. Followed by another bigger explosion, that shook the earth. We had done it.
I stood up and brushed myself off. I decided to find Pasang and leave as soon as possible. Hopefully Von Ryan had cooled down now that I had saved his life, but who knows. I stumbled around until I found myself in front of the church. I realized what an ominous place this abandon gothic church was. As I entered again I saw gargoiles glaring at me, the head of an angle lay at ones feet. I climbed to the top of the bell tower and found no trace of Von Ryan. I walked over to Pasang only to find him laying in a pool of blood, with a bullet hole in his head. I heard the crackle of a walky-talky. I saw it next to Pasang. I picked it up to hear Von Ryan’s voice. "Surprised." He said.
"Why." I Pleaded. At that moment a bullet zoomed by the left side of my head, followed by another to the right.
"Would you rather I kill you." He responded. "Remember this day and know in the back of your mind that today you lost to me and some day I may return and claim your life. Of course with your pride shattered I guess your worse off than dead." He laughed hysterical. I clutched the walky-talky in my left hand, and punched the wall with my right. "Remember on this day I let you go because you saved my life, but next time will be different." The line then fell silent. "DAMN YOU VOM RYAN!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. Why hadn’t he killed me was this only a game to him, or did he really have some twisted sense of honor. No he wouldn’t have killed the boy it that was the case. No matter I would find that bastard and even the score, even if it cost me my life.
Shangri la
The Great White Hunter In Shangri la
By: Andrew Smith
Shortly after meeting my new apprentice Patsang and narrowly escaping my own death at the hands of a yeti. Myself, Patsang, and Pat’butso were flying back home when we encountered a mysterious storm at the edge of the Himalayas. We were forced to make an emergency landing in a remote valley. As we lowered our altitude we glimpsed through a shroud of mist a lush river valley filled with exotic plants and animals the likes of which none of us had ever scene. The chopper came down hard on a riverbank and was damaged beyond our meager means of repair.
I was still injured from my encounter with the mountain beast known as the yeti, It’s skin now acting as my blanket. Pat’butso left to scout the area for settlements or a route of escape, he grabbed a gun and a canteen and disappeared off into the mist that filled the valley. It was now just Patsang and I, at first I had nothing to say, but I realized this was the perfect chance to get to know my new apprentice. "So kid, you recognize any of these strange deer we saw on the way down?" No answer. I turned to look at him he was staring off into the mist. I faced to see what had him so entranced, and saw a shadow begin to emerge from the mist. "Who goes there?" I shouted. The figure ceased its moving and shouted, "It’s me you fool". It was no doubt Pat’butso,
"Back so soon did you get scared all by your self?"
He moved in closer "No, I found something extraordinary you must come and see".
I pulled myself up and slid out the door of the chopper, "Hurry!" shouted my stout manservant leaping around waving his arms in the air. Patsang ran along with Pat’butso and they both disappeared out of my limited field of vision. I tried my best to catch up with them but with my various injuries made it difficult. After a moment of exhaustive sprinting I could once again see my companions in the distance. As I drew neared I saw a faint silhouette beyond them. With a mighty gust of wind the mist momentarily dispersed and I saw before me the most amazing sight I had ever laid my eyes on. A massive structure that easily surpassed all seven of the wonders of the world natural or man made.
Before me was a building that must have stood fifty stories high, it was carved into the side of this ancient cliff. No doubt hidden away from all mankind for centuries. The building had terraces covered in giant flowers that bloomed bigger then a mans head. There were vines covered in fruit that I could smell from hundreds of feet away. There were tiny monkeys and giant deer even what appeared to be snake covered in quills all living in perfect harmony. The building it’s self was a marvel in its self, it was covered in gold and jewels that collided with epic carvings that told the story of creation and the truths of all the universe. Upon seeing them all the pain of my injuries lifted and I felt that I had regained years of my life. Sadly those scenes have since slipped my mind, but I do recall that all of us were moved to tears every time we moved our heads.
We climbed the terraces and lived in harmony with the animals for who knows how long several days at the least perhaps even several months. In this new place time seemed not to exist, But I did not waste this time, I spent countless hours training Patsang in the ways of the hunter, he learned quickly. All was well for a time, then one night with out thinking I took a wicked piss, I mean it would have made a toilet over flow, I don’t even know how I was able to hold it all in for so long. Anyway I was in such a hurry I just went in a corner with out realizing that I was taking the biggest piss ever on a holy icon of some fat elephant dude. As I was about to finish up I felt a rumbling and herd the sound of stone crumbling.
I looked up to see the animals wither away into tiny goblins and the plants shed their flowers and fruit in favor of massive poisons thorns. I wasted no time awakening my comrades and fleeing the area. As we ran for the river the stone face of the temple crumbled away to reveal a fortress of iron and rust. Spikes jutted out of the cliff walls and the water in the river began to run dark and foul. Then the rumbling came to an abrupt stop. We all turned to see what was happening, the valley was filled with the smell of decay accompanied by a dead silence. The building facade was now diminished to six giant pillars. The terraces were no longer visible and the carvings had changed to a darker nature, the stories they now told were those of absolute terror.
Pat’butso suggested we flee before more trouble followed, But I would have none of it. I went back to the temple to try and surmise why this had happened. As I approached the six pillars all slid down into the ground each leaving a withered skeleton in its place. I stopped upon seeing this gruesome sight. Slowly each skeleton began to twitch they grabbed their weapons and began to stagger towards me. With each step they took their flesh lightened, their eyes opened and the rust crumbled off of their armor and weapons. In seconds the skeletons were revived and marched towards me as ancient warriors. One was a Hun archer on horse. Another a solider of Alexander the great abandon far from home. Another an eastern master of the martial arts Wearing a coat of red and black. Another an ancient Chinese warrior with spear in at hand. Another a dark skinned solider of Persia in a fine uniform of purple and yellow, and the last was a mogul war lord riding atop an elephant covered in a coat of armor, with great swords jutting from its tusks.
All of them faced me and pointed their weapons in my face. "You have defiled the Holy Land of all creation, Now we shall punish you." With that they all charged forward. Patsang and Pau’butso jumped in front of me to offer their aid but were assaulted by the Greek and Asian. I fall back chased by the Mogul and Hun, I realized I couldn’t out run them with their mounts, so I turned to face them man to man. As I turned an arrow flew past my head, a narrow miss.
The elephant bore down on me, I knew better than to flee again, doing so would be futile. I stood my ground pulled out my knife and let out a mighty yell the elephant bucked up. I took a jab at it’s exposed gut, blood gushed forth. Then the beast began to fall I rolled out from under it’s Gurth just in time to escape injury, but I was far from safe. An arrow flew at me from the Hun’s bow I caught it only inches from my head. Then from out of nowhere the Chinese warrior jabbed at me with his spear, it sank into my shoulder and blood poured forth. I ripped it away from him with my other hand and flipped it around just in time to drive it into the heart of the Hun’s horse. He was bucked and tossed high into the air falling on his face. I took a few jabs at the china man then dodged an arrow shot at me by the Persian, only to take a second in the leg. Just as I was thinking I might be able to win I was blindsided by the mogul and fell into the river.
I was cold. I opened my eyes and looked around. I was in a cave with a fire burning a few feet away. I got up, I was in sever pain from all my injuries. I walked to the mouth of the cave to see who had dragged me there and lit the fire. I saw no one, But I did find a basket of herbs and mushrooms. I found a path leading up a hill, I decided to follow it. I stumbled up the rocky path and pulled my self over a boulder at the top and fell onto a meadow of moss and lichens. In the center of the meadow sat a bald monk in a tattered white robe. Without moving he said "I was suppressed to find you here."
"You know of me?"
"Yes from my brother, you saved his temple from the mountain demon, I believe that fur you wear is proof of that."
I stroked the Yeti fur that still clung to my back, "So how are you?"
"I told you the brother of the mountain preset, I am not as highly regarded as he for my love of spirits and women, but my powers are far greater. I was surprised to find you in the Shangri la. Even more surprised to watch you resist its draw for seven months, a record no doubt. But perhaps I should have expected so much from a man who could defeat the mountain demon."
"You mean I was there for seven months?"
"Time has a funny way of escaping from us."
"Where are my companions?"
"They were captures by the Shan la saa, the warriors you awoke when you defiled the Holy Land. I can help you get them back, but it will be difficult……What do you say?"
"alright, I’ll do it."
He jumped to his feet and with lightning speed he lunged at me and jabbed me in the chest. I was blown away falling on my back and sliding to the edge of the hill. I then felt a burning on my chest I pulled my head up to see a strange mark branded on my chest.
"What the hell is this?"
The monk laughed "just think of it as a contract, that mark will stay on your chest until you are able to defeat me, and to do so you must become a master of gurnjutsu. The most powerful and dangerous of arts."
"Master a martial art, a few punches and kicks no big deal." I said as I regained my footing.
"Martial art. Gurnjutsu is nothing so primitive or barbaric, it is the art of the mind. That is why it is so deadly."
"Wait just a minute, aren’t you upset that I destroyed the Shangri la?"
"There are more in the frozen north and else where. Once long ago there were thousands all across the world, but one by one they haven fallen to man. But as you have scene they can also corrupt men, their absolute beauty and purity is too much for most men to handle, and they become Shan la saa; slaves of the Shangri la. It is my duty to destroy them all so they can no longer corrupt men. You see, Never suffering, or feeling pain or sadness, and never aging, men will rely on them, and use them as a crutch. If they exist man would become reliant on them, and never achieve enlightenment. The Shangri la are too great a gift to be given to men. I had been summoning and attempting to destroy it for a year then you destroyed it in only a moment. If any thing I should thank you."
"I see where you are going, but what about those guys?" I said as I peered into the dark valley.
"Now that you destroyed the Shangri la the corrupt souls of the Shan la Saa have risen again. You must destroy them to save your friends. We have wasted enough time we will begin your training." As the old monk said this he approached me and gave me a nudge, I fell off the edge of a great cliff. I landed far below in an icy river. There was no clear path back up the cliff side so I had to scale it, two hours later I was back on top. I found the old monk just sitting there waiting.
"What the hell!…"
"Too slow." He answered as he gave me another nudge over the edge. My second climb only took an hour. Once I was back at the top of the cliff I lunged at the old monk who quickly dodged my attack and cracked me over the head. "You have no respect. Attacking your master, you have much to learn." He then gave me a mighty kick sending me back over the cliff. This time it only took thirty minutes to scale my way back up. Again the old monk was just waiting. "Your getting better now you are ready for the real training."
Now at this point he swore me to secrecy. I promised I would never reveal the ancient training techniques to anyone on pain of death (The cursed seal he placed on me would guarantee my oath on pain of death). He also made me promise I would never use these forbidden skills on any living creature. Only on the dead and accursed could I employee these techniques.
After three months of intense training I had mastered a deadly new art, its crowning move was a skill known as Tibetan mind transmission. This ability allowed one to momentarily posses the mind or minds of any attacker in eye line distance.
"I have tried my best to train you and I fear I have taught your stubborn weak mind very little. Now go prove me wrong!" Those were the last words I herd from that old monk as I prepared myself. I knew what I had to do, I dawned my yeti skin and set off alone down a rocky path in the distance I could hear the old monk chanting his prayers.
I came down the cliff side on to a bank of mist out of the mist appeared six shadows. With the six of them all standing in front of me I knew Tibetan mind transmission was my only hope of defeating them. There was one problem I could not see their eyes through the mist, rendering my skill useless. The six warriors began to charge me, it was then for just a moment I heard the old monk’s chanting again. The mist was suddenly dispersed. The warriors were now upon me, and I was surrounded. My view was clear, my mind was clear, I wasted no time in unleashing my attack. I made quick work of the warriors, or better I say I made them make quick work of each other.
With a mighty rumble the corrupted temple shattered like glass and crumbled away. From out of the rubble stumbled Patsang and Pau’butso.
"Where have you been?" "What happened?" They asked franticly.
I simply laughed and answered, "Now do I have on hell of a story for you."
By: Andrew Smith
Shortly after meeting my new apprentice Patsang and narrowly escaping my own death at the hands of a yeti. Myself, Patsang, and Pat’butso were flying back home when we encountered a mysterious storm at the edge of the Himalayas. We were forced to make an emergency landing in a remote valley. As we lowered our altitude we glimpsed through a shroud of mist a lush river valley filled with exotic plants and animals the likes of which none of us had ever scene. The chopper came down hard on a riverbank and was damaged beyond our meager means of repair.
I was still injured from my encounter with the mountain beast known as the yeti, It’s skin now acting as my blanket. Pat’butso left to scout the area for settlements or a route of escape, he grabbed a gun and a canteen and disappeared off into the mist that filled the valley. It was now just Patsang and I, at first I had nothing to say, but I realized this was the perfect chance to get to know my new apprentice. "So kid, you recognize any of these strange deer we saw on the way down?" No answer. I turned to look at him he was staring off into the mist. I faced to see what had him so entranced, and saw a shadow begin to emerge from the mist. "Who goes there?" I shouted. The figure ceased its moving and shouted, "It’s me you fool". It was no doubt Pat’butso,
"Back so soon did you get scared all by your self?"
He moved in closer "No, I found something extraordinary you must come and see".
I pulled myself up and slid out the door of the chopper, "Hurry!" shouted my stout manservant leaping around waving his arms in the air. Patsang ran along with Pat’butso and they both disappeared out of my limited field of vision. I tried my best to catch up with them but with my various injuries made it difficult. After a moment of exhaustive sprinting I could once again see my companions in the distance. As I drew neared I saw a faint silhouette beyond them. With a mighty gust of wind the mist momentarily dispersed and I saw before me the most amazing sight I had ever laid my eyes on. A massive structure that easily surpassed all seven of the wonders of the world natural or man made.
Before me was a building that must have stood fifty stories high, it was carved into the side of this ancient cliff. No doubt hidden away from all mankind for centuries. The building had terraces covered in giant flowers that bloomed bigger then a mans head. There were vines covered in fruit that I could smell from hundreds of feet away. There were tiny monkeys and giant deer even what appeared to be snake covered in quills all living in perfect harmony. The building it’s self was a marvel in its self, it was covered in gold and jewels that collided with epic carvings that told the story of creation and the truths of all the universe. Upon seeing them all the pain of my injuries lifted and I felt that I had regained years of my life. Sadly those scenes have since slipped my mind, but I do recall that all of us were moved to tears every time we moved our heads.
We climbed the terraces and lived in harmony with the animals for who knows how long several days at the least perhaps even several months. In this new place time seemed not to exist, But I did not waste this time, I spent countless hours training Patsang in the ways of the hunter, he learned quickly. All was well for a time, then one night with out thinking I took a wicked piss, I mean it would have made a toilet over flow, I don’t even know how I was able to hold it all in for so long. Anyway I was in such a hurry I just went in a corner with out realizing that I was taking the biggest piss ever on a holy icon of some fat elephant dude. As I was about to finish up I felt a rumbling and herd the sound of stone crumbling.
I looked up to see the animals wither away into tiny goblins and the plants shed their flowers and fruit in favor of massive poisons thorns. I wasted no time awakening my comrades and fleeing the area. As we ran for the river the stone face of the temple crumbled away to reveal a fortress of iron and rust. Spikes jutted out of the cliff walls and the water in the river began to run dark and foul. Then the rumbling came to an abrupt stop. We all turned to see what was happening, the valley was filled with the smell of decay accompanied by a dead silence. The building facade was now diminished to six giant pillars. The terraces were no longer visible and the carvings had changed to a darker nature, the stories they now told were those of absolute terror.
Pat’butso suggested we flee before more trouble followed, But I would have none of it. I went back to the temple to try and surmise why this had happened. As I approached the six pillars all slid down into the ground each leaving a withered skeleton in its place. I stopped upon seeing this gruesome sight. Slowly each skeleton began to twitch they grabbed their weapons and began to stagger towards me. With each step they took their flesh lightened, their eyes opened and the rust crumbled off of their armor and weapons. In seconds the skeletons were revived and marched towards me as ancient warriors. One was a Hun archer on horse. Another a solider of Alexander the great abandon far from home. Another an eastern master of the martial arts Wearing a coat of red and black. Another an ancient Chinese warrior with spear in at hand. Another a dark skinned solider of Persia in a fine uniform of purple and yellow, and the last was a mogul war lord riding atop an elephant covered in a coat of armor, with great swords jutting from its tusks.
All of them faced me and pointed their weapons in my face. "You have defiled the Holy Land of all creation, Now we shall punish you." With that they all charged forward. Patsang and Pau’butso jumped in front of me to offer their aid but were assaulted by the Greek and Asian. I fall back chased by the Mogul and Hun, I realized I couldn’t out run them with their mounts, so I turned to face them man to man. As I turned an arrow flew past my head, a narrow miss.
The elephant bore down on me, I knew better than to flee again, doing so would be futile. I stood my ground pulled out my knife and let out a mighty yell the elephant bucked up. I took a jab at it’s exposed gut, blood gushed forth. Then the beast began to fall I rolled out from under it’s Gurth just in time to escape injury, but I was far from safe. An arrow flew at me from the Hun’s bow I caught it only inches from my head. Then from out of nowhere the Chinese warrior jabbed at me with his spear, it sank into my shoulder and blood poured forth. I ripped it away from him with my other hand and flipped it around just in time to drive it into the heart of the Hun’s horse. He was bucked and tossed high into the air falling on his face. I took a few jabs at the china man then dodged an arrow shot at me by the Persian, only to take a second in the leg. Just as I was thinking I might be able to win I was blindsided by the mogul and fell into the river.
I was cold. I opened my eyes and looked around. I was in a cave with a fire burning a few feet away. I got up, I was in sever pain from all my injuries. I walked to the mouth of the cave to see who had dragged me there and lit the fire. I saw no one, But I did find a basket of herbs and mushrooms. I found a path leading up a hill, I decided to follow it. I stumbled up the rocky path and pulled my self over a boulder at the top and fell onto a meadow of moss and lichens. In the center of the meadow sat a bald monk in a tattered white robe. Without moving he said "I was suppressed to find you here."
"You know of me?"
"Yes from my brother, you saved his temple from the mountain demon, I believe that fur you wear is proof of that."
I stroked the Yeti fur that still clung to my back, "So how are you?"
"I told you the brother of the mountain preset, I am not as highly regarded as he for my love of spirits and women, but my powers are far greater. I was surprised to find you in the Shangri la. Even more surprised to watch you resist its draw for seven months, a record no doubt. But perhaps I should have expected so much from a man who could defeat the mountain demon."
"You mean I was there for seven months?"
"Time has a funny way of escaping from us."
"Where are my companions?"
"They were captures by the Shan la saa, the warriors you awoke when you defiled the Holy Land. I can help you get them back, but it will be difficult……What do you say?"
"alright, I’ll do it."
He jumped to his feet and with lightning speed he lunged at me and jabbed me in the chest. I was blown away falling on my back and sliding to the edge of the hill. I then felt a burning on my chest I pulled my head up to see a strange mark branded on my chest.
"What the hell is this?"
The monk laughed "just think of it as a contract, that mark will stay on your chest until you are able to defeat me, and to do so you must become a master of gurnjutsu. The most powerful and dangerous of arts."
"Master a martial art, a few punches and kicks no big deal." I said as I regained my footing.
"Martial art. Gurnjutsu is nothing so primitive or barbaric, it is the art of the mind. That is why it is so deadly."
"Wait just a minute, aren’t you upset that I destroyed the Shangri la?"
"There are more in the frozen north and else where. Once long ago there were thousands all across the world, but one by one they haven fallen to man. But as you have scene they can also corrupt men, their absolute beauty and purity is too much for most men to handle, and they become Shan la saa; slaves of the Shangri la. It is my duty to destroy them all so they can no longer corrupt men. You see, Never suffering, or feeling pain or sadness, and never aging, men will rely on them, and use them as a crutch. If they exist man would become reliant on them, and never achieve enlightenment. The Shangri la are too great a gift to be given to men. I had been summoning and attempting to destroy it for a year then you destroyed it in only a moment. If any thing I should thank you."
"I see where you are going, but what about those guys?" I said as I peered into the dark valley.
"Now that you destroyed the Shangri la the corrupt souls of the Shan la Saa have risen again. You must destroy them to save your friends. We have wasted enough time we will begin your training." As the old monk said this he approached me and gave me a nudge, I fell off the edge of a great cliff. I landed far below in an icy river. There was no clear path back up the cliff side so I had to scale it, two hours later I was back on top. I found the old monk just sitting there waiting.
"What the hell!…"
"Too slow." He answered as he gave me another nudge over the edge. My second climb only took an hour. Once I was back at the top of the cliff I lunged at the old monk who quickly dodged my attack and cracked me over the head. "You have no respect. Attacking your master, you have much to learn." He then gave me a mighty kick sending me back over the cliff. This time it only took thirty minutes to scale my way back up. Again the old monk was just waiting. "Your getting better now you are ready for the real training."
Now at this point he swore me to secrecy. I promised I would never reveal the ancient training techniques to anyone on pain of death (The cursed seal he placed on me would guarantee my oath on pain of death). He also made me promise I would never use these forbidden skills on any living creature. Only on the dead and accursed could I employee these techniques.
After three months of intense training I had mastered a deadly new art, its crowning move was a skill known as Tibetan mind transmission. This ability allowed one to momentarily posses the mind or minds of any attacker in eye line distance.
"I have tried my best to train you and I fear I have taught your stubborn weak mind very little. Now go prove me wrong!" Those were the last words I herd from that old monk as I prepared myself. I knew what I had to do, I dawned my yeti skin and set off alone down a rocky path in the distance I could hear the old monk chanting his prayers.
I came down the cliff side on to a bank of mist out of the mist appeared six shadows. With the six of them all standing in front of me I knew Tibetan mind transmission was my only hope of defeating them. There was one problem I could not see their eyes through the mist, rendering my skill useless. The six warriors began to charge me, it was then for just a moment I heard the old monk’s chanting again. The mist was suddenly dispersed. The warriors were now upon me, and I was surrounded. My view was clear, my mind was clear, I wasted no time in unleashing my attack. I made quick work of the warriors, or better I say I made them make quick work of each other.
With a mighty rumble the corrupted temple shattered like glass and crumbled away. From out of the rubble stumbled Patsang and Pau’butso.
"Where have you been?" "What happened?" They asked franticly.
I simply laughed and answered, "Now do I have on hell of a story for you."
the Great White Beast
The Great White Hunter meets the Great White Beast
By: Andrew Smith
March 4, 1984 I found my self in Nepal (I was only there on a lead hunting my worst enemy "The China Man" but that is another story). It was there I journeyed to a mountaintop in search of an ancient all knowing guru. It was said he lived atop the tallest mountain in a great gold temple. After two weeks of arduous trekking I reached his mountain top hideaway. After going through a series of purification rituals, I was informed that the guru was ready to speak with me. I was given a robe and told to keep silent.
An old monk with a long beard led me to the central chamber, as he lead me down the long corridor he listed countless rules to be obeyed, and mannerisms to display. This ever growing list quickly fled my mind as excitement and curiosity mounted. Finally we arrived at a set of great golden doors that slowly opened revealing a huge room within. On the far wall was a huge golden thrown where the guru spent his days surrounded by servants. I was surprised such a scrawny old man, who demanded so much of his followers and guests, could garnish so much respect from them. My guide then bowed and whispered, "You may now enter."
As soon as I entered his great chamber he rose from his seat and put his hand to his head. My guide leaned towards me and whispered "he is receiving a divine vision." Ahhh!!! What terrible breath he had, it was worse than that of the oxen I rode here on. Wonder what these monks ate? I hoped not to find out. The guru then spoke "You are the one the gods have chosen to free us from the curse that keeps us confined to these desolate mountains." Here it comes there about to ask for some big favor. A servant came forth carrying a pillow on it was a mummified hand, but this was no human hand. I had herd of such relics but had doubted their existence, but now the truth lie only inched from my very eyes. The hand was huge covered in course hair, each finger tipped with a large claw. It was the hand of a yeti.
I’ll spare the details, because I forgot them. The story I was told was that the monks ancestors angered some god who cursed them with the yeti, or something like that. Of course I agreed to kill the yeti. I could care less about the monks I had a new trophy in mind. Once I agreed they said they would honor me with a great feast, I declined. I told them I should get going as soon as possible before bad weather set in. They said the weather was fine, and I should not worry. I insisted.
I headed off into the mountains with only a luger pistol and a pair if buoy knives. I had mistakenly packed light, but I reveled in the challenge. With me traveled a young Sherpa boy of about fifteen named Pasang. During our conversing he told me his name literary meant born on Friday. Unfortunately for him, his parents had died on the following Tuesday leaving him an orphan. But to his great luck he had been discovered by one of the monks who raised him up until now. As we traveled I saw in him a zeal that only a true survivor has in his blood, and I saw in his eyes the determination if a wild beast. In this respect he reminded me of my younger self so many years ago. We trekked on for three days and ran out of food, so we ate the oxen and used their skins as cloaks to keep us warm. The weather was growing colder, damn as I suspected a storm was rolling in. There was no turning back we were with in side of the den where the monster slumbered.
I gave Pasang one of my knives and told him to wait for me by a large boulder. I then crept off up the steep slope to quarrel with my prey. As I climbed my footing grew lose, I put my knife in my mouth and cast my heavy snow laden ox skin cloak into the wind. I struggled on, "I’m getting too old for this." I said to my self as I climbed higher. What a fine last hunt for me to endeavor, I humored my self. The thin cold air was not enough for my tired lungs. I paused stabbing my knife into the ground, sucking in air desperately. The ice crystals in the air burnt my lungs but I could not stop myself from inhaling them. I started to regain my composure when I was struck from behind with a mighty blow.
I wavered for a moment then grabbed the knife as I did I flipped over on my back and pulled out my luger. My vision straightened out enough to see a massive yeti standing over me, with a stone club where its left hand should be. I pulled the trigger thinking this is too easy, click….. The safety was on, the lack of oxygen had really gotten the better of me, to make such an amateur mistake was far below me. Before I could react the yeti knocked the gun from mw hand, and sent it flying off in to the dense snow. It then kicked me and sent me rolling down the step rocky mountain side. Rocks stabbed me every where and bloodied me up real good. I came to an abrupt stop I was totally disoriented. I stood up, the pain was great but I forced myself to stay on my wobbly feet. It was at this time I realized I had left my knife in the mountainside; this was quite the predicament indeed.
I called for Pasang, he did not answer. I looked about franticly, then I remembered rule number one NEVER PANIC! I breathed deeply to help regain my composure, again the air was too thin. I looked about to find the yeti that had so quickly changed from prey to hunter. I saw it bearing down on me from the mountain side, slipping on the lose stones. Then it hit me, the plan that would ensure my survival even though I might lose my finest trophy. I would start a rock slide by tossing stone at the lumbering beast. I picked up a stone and threw with all my might. It landed just below the monster and caused him to trip and slide down the mountain side on his face. He slid down causing more rocks to tumble until the lower face of the mountain came down to my surprise. It was too late I was over taken by the rock slide and buried up to my chest in heavy stones. Only my head and right arm were free. The yeti had come to a stop only feet in front of me, "some plan this was." I murmured as the beast regained its footing and loomed over me like a titan.
It stared at me for a moment as if to say I won this round, and raised its left arm high in the air. Then it grunted and started to fall, it looked as if I were going to be crushed for a moment. The massive body fell slightly to my right its arm fell just above my head and wrapped around me. It was then that I saw Pasang standing there with the buoy knife I had given him. He quickly dug me out of the rocks and asked if I was hurt I laughed and said, "lets get the hell out of here." Pasang then used his Sherpa skills to make a stretcher out of the bones and skin of the yeti. He then carried me down the mountain on our way we had more than our fill of the yeti meat, some of the least appetizing meat I have ever feasted on.
Once down the mountain we were greeted by Pou’butso who had patiently waited for my return by our helicopter. Looking worried he ran up to greet me, then catching a glimpse of Pasang asked "Who is the boy." I looked at tired little Pasang, smiled and said my new apprentice.
By: Andrew Smith
March 4, 1984 I found my self in Nepal (I was only there on a lead hunting my worst enemy "The China Man" but that is another story). It was there I journeyed to a mountaintop in search of an ancient all knowing guru. It was said he lived atop the tallest mountain in a great gold temple. After two weeks of arduous trekking I reached his mountain top hideaway. After going through a series of purification rituals, I was informed that the guru was ready to speak with me. I was given a robe and told to keep silent.
An old monk with a long beard led me to the central chamber, as he lead me down the long corridor he listed countless rules to be obeyed, and mannerisms to display. This ever growing list quickly fled my mind as excitement and curiosity mounted. Finally we arrived at a set of great golden doors that slowly opened revealing a huge room within. On the far wall was a huge golden thrown where the guru spent his days surrounded by servants. I was surprised such a scrawny old man, who demanded so much of his followers and guests, could garnish so much respect from them. My guide then bowed and whispered, "You may now enter."
As soon as I entered his great chamber he rose from his seat and put his hand to his head. My guide leaned towards me and whispered "he is receiving a divine vision." Ahhh!!! What terrible breath he had, it was worse than that of the oxen I rode here on. Wonder what these monks ate? I hoped not to find out. The guru then spoke "You are the one the gods have chosen to free us from the curse that keeps us confined to these desolate mountains." Here it comes there about to ask for some big favor. A servant came forth carrying a pillow on it was a mummified hand, but this was no human hand. I had herd of such relics but had doubted their existence, but now the truth lie only inched from my very eyes. The hand was huge covered in course hair, each finger tipped with a large claw. It was the hand of a yeti.
I’ll spare the details, because I forgot them. The story I was told was that the monks ancestors angered some god who cursed them with the yeti, or something like that. Of course I agreed to kill the yeti. I could care less about the monks I had a new trophy in mind. Once I agreed they said they would honor me with a great feast, I declined. I told them I should get going as soon as possible before bad weather set in. They said the weather was fine, and I should not worry. I insisted.
I headed off into the mountains with only a luger pistol and a pair if buoy knives. I had mistakenly packed light, but I reveled in the challenge. With me traveled a young Sherpa boy of about fifteen named Pasang. During our conversing he told me his name literary meant born on Friday. Unfortunately for him, his parents had died on the following Tuesday leaving him an orphan. But to his great luck he had been discovered by one of the monks who raised him up until now. As we traveled I saw in him a zeal that only a true survivor has in his blood, and I saw in his eyes the determination if a wild beast. In this respect he reminded me of my younger self so many years ago. We trekked on for three days and ran out of food, so we ate the oxen and used their skins as cloaks to keep us warm. The weather was growing colder, damn as I suspected a storm was rolling in. There was no turning back we were with in side of the den where the monster slumbered.
I gave Pasang one of my knives and told him to wait for me by a large boulder. I then crept off up the steep slope to quarrel with my prey. As I climbed my footing grew lose, I put my knife in my mouth and cast my heavy snow laden ox skin cloak into the wind. I struggled on, "I’m getting too old for this." I said to my self as I climbed higher. What a fine last hunt for me to endeavor, I humored my self. The thin cold air was not enough for my tired lungs. I paused stabbing my knife into the ground, sucking in air desperately. The ice crystals in the air burnt my lungs but I could not stop myself from inhaling them. I started to regain my composure when I was struck from behind with a mighty blow.
I wavered for a moment then grabbed the knife as I did I flipped over on my back and pulled out my luger. My vision straightened out enough to see a massive yeti standing over me, with a stone club where its left hand should be. I pulled the trigger thinking this is too easy, click….. The safety was on, the lack of oxygen had really gotten the better of me, to make such an amateur mistake was far below me. Before I could react the yeti knocked the gun from mw hand, and sent it flying off in to the dense snow. It then kicked me and sent me rolling down the step rocky mountain side. Rocks stabbed me every where and bloodied me up real good. I came to an abrupt stop I was totally disoriented. I stood up, the pain was great but I forced myself to stay on my wobbly feet. It was at this time I realized I had left my knife in the mountainside; this was quite the predicament indeed.
I called for Pasang, he did not answer. I looked about franticly, then I remembered rule number one NEVER PANIC! I breathed deeply to help regain my composure, again the air was too thin. I looked about to find the yeti that had so quickly changed from prey to hunter. I saw it bearing down on me from the mountain side, slipping on the lose stones. Then it hit me, the plan that would ensure my survival even though I might lose my finest trophy. I would start a rock slide by tossing stone at the lumbering beast. I picked up a stone and threw with all my might. It landed just below the monster and caused him to trip and slide down the mountain side on his face. He slid down causing more rocks to tumble until the lower face of the mountain came down to my surprise. It was too late I was over taken by the rock slide and buried up to my chest in heavy stones. Only my head and right arm were free. The yeti had come to a stop only feet in front of me, "some plan this was." I murmured as the beast regained its footing and loomed over me like a titan.
It stared at me for a moment as if to say I won this round, and raised its left arm high in the air. Then it grunted and started to fall, it looked as if I were going to be crushed for a moment. The massive body fell slightly to my right its arm fell just above my head and wrapped around me. It was then that I saw Pasang standing there with the buoy knife I had given him. He quickly dug me out of the rocks and asked if I was hurt I laughed and said, "lets get the hell out of here." Pasang then used his Sherpa skills to make a stretcher out of the bones and skin of the yeti. He then carried me down the mountain on our way we had more than our fill of the yeti meat, some of the least appetizing meat I have ever feasted on.
Once down the mountain we were greeted by Pou’butso who had patiently waited for my return by our helicopter. Looking worried he ran up to greet me, then catching a glimpse of Pasang asked "Who is the boy." I looked at tired little Pasang, smiled and said my new apprentice.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
King of the Cobras
The Great White Hunter Meets The King of The Cobras
By: Andrew Smith
June 3, 1978 I had come to India to guide an environmental expedition, but just before meeting up with the team of hippies I went to check out a local market. While browsing the local wears I over herd a pair of hunters telling a small group of people about a giant cobra that guarded a temple atop a mountain nearby. After listening for a moment I butted in and asked where the temple was. They said it was only a day and a half hike over the mountain. I asked why no one else had discovered the temple if it was so close to a city. They remarked that others had made it to the temple but had not escaped it’s guardian. This was quite a tale, and I had to check it out for my self. I decided to abandon my previous engagement and set out the next morning.
I got up early the next morning packed food water, and plenty of ammo for my luck rifle potshot. I also packed my desert eagle, which I now called brain blaster. I named it such after seeing the nasty work it made of the Mexican drug lord, Loco Pero. I rented an elephant and set off over the mountain. I quickly discovered that the terrain was more severe than I imagined. To make things worse the rainy season was still in swing making rough travel all the less bearable. After nearly a day of travel I abandon the elephant and most of my supplies and set out on my own. This decision may seem brash, but to a seasoned fields men such as myself finding food was no concern. And I quickly discovered I made better time with out that lumbering beast. I used my machete to cut through the forest growth, while I made better time it was tiring work. The sun was setting, and I grew ever more tired. I knew I needed to find a safe place to set up camp.
I found a good place to make camp near the summit of the mountain. I would have food from the fruit trees, and being at the top of the mountain, I need not worry about being buried in a landslide. I gathered a medley of fruit for dinner. Built a fire to keep me warm, and ward off insects. Lastly I built a fire lean-to, which I covered in leaves to keep me dry. It was crude but enough to last me for a night. I ate the fruit and settled down for the night when it started to rain again, this was the fourth time to day. As I sat I herd something over the sound of the rain. I could tell it was near by, but I could not decide what it was. It was difficult to hear over the rain, so I listened for a few minutes. I decided it was definitely a man made sound, possibly a drum. But who was playing it? It was too stormy out to check, and I was too tired to care. I drifted off to sleep in a few moments.
The next morning I was awaken by a pungent odor. You may ask how one can be awaken by an odor? You must remember my instincts and senses are sharpened to super human levels, so I may match my skills with the deadliest creatures in the world. I opened one eye just enough to make out a man crouching next to me. I knew I had no time to load a gun so I reached for my machete only to see the old man beat me to it. He held up the machete and examined, "What do you plan to do with this?" He enquired as the sunlight reflected off of the blade and into my eyes. "Who are you and why have you disturbed me?" I furiously enquired. "Now, now. Clam your self that is no way to talk to an old man. And may I also inform you that you have invaded my home." I remembered the drums from last night he must have been their player. Who was this old man with such extraordinary reflexes, I was still surprised he beat me to the machete. He then stood up, his bones cracked, and he grasped the small of his back. "Follow me." He then walked off virtually disappearing in to the brush. I leapt up and followed after him.
I caught up with him as he entered a small cabin, a shanty really. I followed him in. inside I was greeted with tea, he asked me to sit. I took a seat on a worn rug and drank his homemade brew. "Let me tell you a story that has been passed down by wise men for many generations." I was intrigued so I asked him to continue.
"Once there was a man who owned a profitable fruit plantation, he was good and honest and he had worked hard his whole life to earn what he had. The time of the harvest grew near, so he went out to check on his crops. While walking through an orchard he was jumped by a monkey that mauled him and bit off his left ear. The next morning he did not falter, again he set out in to his vast orchard. This time he was jumped by a large baboon that brutally beat him, and violated him, and gnawed off his right hand. The next morning he did not falter he set off into the orchard once again. This time there were no monkeys or baboons. There was a tiger that killed him."
I pondered the story for a moment, and then remarked "is this a joke?" I then stormed out of the shanty and back to my campsite. Where I packed up and headed on to the temple.
I pushed on through the jungle ripping off leaches, and drinking the juice from vines. After dredging through the treacherous jungle for hours and fighting off several tigers. I reached an ancient stone road I knew the temple was near. I carefully made my way down the road, but it was getting dark so I decided to sleep in a hollowed out tree and get up early tomorrow morning.
I got up late the next morning and washed in the river. I then had a breakfast of eggs I snatched from a nest and some mysterious fruit, which gave me excessive diarrhea. I realized the day was ruined and settled down early intending to get up early the following morning. The next morning I rose early and skipped breakfast and headed off down the road.
I quickly discovered the temple, in front of it was a giant snake basking in the morning sun. it was nearly forty feet long, I had only once in my life seen a larger snake, and recalled that as a heralding adventure. Of course that is a story for another time. How could I deal with this snake, I had a rifle, a pistol, and a machete. The machete was dulled and useless as a weapon, and I had lost all my ammo save a few rifle rounds in the jungle. I would have to make my seven shots count. I decided to move in closer. It was a risk, but it should increase my odds of landing a fatal shot. I carefully slid down the bank of the hill, it was about half way down when my foot became entangled in a vine and a flopped over on my stomach and lost my rifle. I knew I was in trouble the moment I fell, but when I picked myself up I found the giant cobra looming nearly ten feet over me. At this distance I realized it’s body was as thick as mine, and that it could swallow me in one gulp. I held still so as to not excite the snake. I realized I was in a tight spot as the snake bore its saber-sized fangs, which dripped with buckets of venom. One advantage I had was that the potency of the venom of snakes decreased with their size. So the venom should not be deadly, but as I looked at the snake again I remembered my earlier thought that it could probably swallow me if it wanted to. I kept still, the snake seemed to lose interest. Suddenly a elephant charged out of the bush and trampled the snake. I was surprised to see it was my elephant from earlier, it had returned just in time to save me. I dug around the under growth and recovered my rifle. I headed into the temple and found a sizable treasure, which I loaded onto the elephant. I took what the elephant could not bare and carried it in a sack slung over my shoulder.
As I returned to the village the elephant ran off into the wilds of the jungle never to be seen again. It took the majority of the treasure with it. Once I returned to the town and made my way to the airport I was confronted by the owner of the elephant, who demanded payment, my treasure grew smaller. I was then confronted by my former expedition party who had set off without me. During their expedition they had lost 22 members. They demanded a refund, and with that my treasure was almost gone. At the airport I used even more of the treasure to by tickets home. I was now left with only a necklace. It was abruptly seized by a Indian government archeologist. So I went home with only another story to tell, and a giant snakeskin, which I used to wallpaper my entertainment room.
By: Andrew Smith
June 3, 1978 I had come to India to guide an environmental expedition, but just before meeting up with the team of hippies I went to check out a local market. While browsing the local wears I over herd a pair of hunters telling a small group of people about a giant cobra that guarded a temple atop a mountain nearby. After listening for a moment I butted in and asked where the temple was. They said it was only a day and a half hike over the mountain. I asked why no one else had discovered the temple if it was so close to a city. They remarked that others had made it to the temple but had not escaped it’s guardian. This was quite a tale, and I had to check it out for my self. I decided to abandon my previous engagement and set out the next morning.
I got up early the next morning packed food water, and plenty of ammo for my luck rifle potshot. I also packed my desert eagle, which I now called brain blaster. I named it such after seeing the nasty work it made of the Mexican drug lord, Loco Pero. I rented an elephant and set off over the mountain. I quickly discovered that the terrain was more severe than I imagined. To make things worse the rainy season was still in swing making rough travel all the less bearable. After nearly a day of travel I abandon the elephant and most of my supplies and set out on my own. This decision may seem brash, but to a seasoned fields men such as myself finding food was no concern. And I quickly discovered I made better time with out that lumbering beast. I used my machete to cut through the forest growth, while I made better time it was tiring work. The sun was setting, and I grew ever more tired. I knew I needed to find a safe place to set up camp.
I found a good place to make camp near the summit of the mountain. I would have food from the fruit trees, and being at the top of the mountain, I need not worry about being buried in a landslide. I gathered a medley of fruit for dinner. Built a fire to keep me warm, and ward off insects. Lastly I built a fire lean-to, which I covered in leaves to keep me dry. It was crude but enough to last me for a night. I ate the fruit and settled down for the night when it started to rain again, this was the fourth time to day. As I sat I herd something over the sound of the rain. I could tell it was near by, but I could not decide what it was. It was difficult to hear over the rain, so I listened for a few minutes. I decided it was definitely a man made sound, possibly a drum. But who was playing it? It was too stormy out to check, and I was too tired to care. I drifted off to sleep in a few moments.
The next morning I was awaken by a pungent odor. You may ask how one can be awaken by an odor? You must remember my instincts and senses are sharpened to super human levels, so I may match my skills with the deadliest creatures in the world. I opened one eye just enough to make out a man crouching next to me. I knew I had no time to load a gun so I reached for my machete only to see the old man beat me to it. He held up the machete and examined, "What do you plan to do with this?" He enquired as the sunlight reflected off of the blade and into my eyes. "Who are you and why have you disturbed me?" I furiously enquired. "Now, now. Clam your self that is no way to talk to an old man. And may I also inform you that you have invaded my home." I remembered the drums from last night he must have been their player. Who was this old man with such extraordinary reflexes, I was still surprised he beat me to the machete. He then stood up, his bones cracked, and he grasped the small of his back. "Follow me." He then walked off virtually disappearing in to the brush. I leapt up and followed after him.
I caught up with him as he entered a small cabin, a shanty really. I followed him in. inside I was greeted with tea, he asked me to sit. I took a seat on a worn rug and drank his homemade brew. "Let me tell you a story that has been passed down by wise men for many generations." I was intrigued so I asked him to continue.
"Once there was a man who owned a profitable fruit plantation, he was good and honest and he had worked hard his whole life to earn what he had. The time of the harvest grew near, so he went out to check on his crops. While walking through an orchard he was jumped by a monkey that mauled him and bit off his left ear. The next morning he did not falter, again he set out in to his vast orchard. This time he was jumped by a large baboon that brutally beat him, and violated him, and gnawed off his right hand. The next morning he did not falter he set off into the orchard once again. This time there were no monkeys or baboons. There was a tiger that killed him."
I pondered the story for a moment, and then remarked "is this a joke?" I then stormed out of the shanty and back to my campsite. Where I packed up and headed on to the temple.
I pushed on through the jungle ripping off leaches, and drinking the juice from vines. After dredging through the treacherous jungle for hours and fighting off several tigers. I reached an ancient stone road I knew the temple was near. I carefully made my way down the road, but it was getting dark so I decided to sleep in a hollowed out tree and get up early tomorrow morning.
I got up late the next morning and washed in the river. I then had a breakfast of eggs I snatched from a nest and some mysterious fruit, which gave me excessive diarrhea. I realized the day was ruined and settled down early intending to get up early the following morning. The next morning I rose early and skipped breakfast and headed off down the road.
I quickly discovered the temple, in front of it was a giant snake basking in the morning sun. it was nearly forty feet long, I had only once in my life seen a larger snake, and recalled that as a heralding adventure. Of course that is a story for another time. How could I deal with this snake, I had a rifle, a pistol, and a machete. The machete was dulled and useless as a weapon, and I had lost all my ammo save a few rifle rounds in the jungle. I would have to make my seven shots count. I decided to move in closer. It was a risk, but it should increase my odds of landing a fatal shot. I carefully slid down the bank of the hill, it was about half way down when my foot became entangled in a vine and a flopped over on my stomach and lost my rifle. I knew I was in trouble the moment I fell, but when I picked myself up I found the giant cobra looming nearly ten feet over me. At this distance I realized it’s body was as thick as mine, and that it could swallow me in one gulp. I held still so as to not excite the snake. I realized I was in a tight spot as the snake bore its saber-sized fangs, which dripped with buckets of venom. One advantage I had was that the potency of the venom of snakes decreased with their size. So the venom should not be deadly, but as I looked at the snake again I remembered my earlier thought that it could probably swallow me if it wanted to. I kept still, the snake seemed to lose interest. Suddenly a elephant charged out of the bush and trampled the snake. I was surprised to see it was my elephant from earlier, it had returned just in time to save me. I dug around the under growth and recovered my rifle. I headed into the temple and found a sizable treasure, which I loaded onto the elephant. I took what the elephant could not bare and carried it in a sack slung over my shoulder.
As I returned to the village the elephant ran off into the wilds of the jungle never to be seen again. It took the majority of the treasure with it. Once I returned to the town and made my way to the airport I was confronted by the owner of the elephant, who demanded payment, my treasure grew smaller. I was then confronted by my former expedition party who had set off without me. During their expedition they had lost 22 members. They demanded a refund, and with that my treasure was almost gone. At the airport I used even more of the treasure to by tickets home. I was now left with only a necklace. It was abruptly seized by a Indian government archeologist. So I went home with only another story to tell, and a giant snakeskin, which I used to wallpaper my entertainment room.
The Dark Lord Carnarvon
The Great White Hunter Meets The Dark Lord Carnarvon
By: Andrew Smith
June 18, 1979 I had been summoned to Egypt to help deal with a crocodile infestation on the lower Nile. I thought this would be an easy mission and put some quick cash in my account. I was wrong. I had herd that the crocks I was being sent to hunt were unusually aggressive towards humans. Nearly one hundred attacks had been reported this season thirty of which resulted in the deaths of humans. It sounded peculiar, so I decided to investigate as I hunted the crocks.
My plane landed at the Kyro international airport, where I was greeted by an Egyptian translator and local guide. To my surprise it was not a dirty old man with a long beard, but a young woman. Her name was Asenath, she had dark hair and deep brown eyes. I imagine she looked something like Cleopatra, and I can see why both Creaser and Mark Anthony fell for her. (I’ll spare you the romance, after all you want to know how I meet the Dark Lord Carnarvon). She spoke perfect English, she explained that her father was killed by a rampaging crock while searching a series of semi submerged tombs along the banks of the Nile. I asked her to take me to that region, thus far it was my only lead and these tombs sounded like the perfect hiding place for a crock. We packed food, water, ammo, and every other item we could need on our journey, and took a jeep to Al Minya.
There we met up with several local "specialists," who clamed to be professional crocodile hunters. They had no luck quelling the crock problem having caught only two in the last three weeks, both of which were too small to kill humans. I examined the river banks where I found very few nests or tracks. The crock population was not exploding as the government had clamed, so why would these crocks attack people. Clearly I needed to investigate further. The following morning Asenath took me to the tomb where her father’s remains had been found. It looked like an average tomb from the outside, but it’s what’s on the inside that’s important. I garbed my pistol (a nice new desert eagle I had picked up on my trip over, it was .50 enough to kill any crock). As well as a knife and a light and jumped into the entrance of this ancient tomb. The water was only a little more than a foot deep, but that was still enough for a crock to hide in. Asenath begged me to be careful, I turned to her and ensured her that, the crock was the one she should save her concern for. At that moment I was grabbed by a massive crock and pulled under the water, I reached for my knife, which was strapped to my ankle. I found only the crocks head, I jabbed my fingers into its eye, it let go and made a hasty retreat. I had been saved from serious injury by the sheath of my knife. Good thing because I know found myself lost deep in the maze like depths of the tomb.
The only light I had was from my small flashlight, which I had somehow managed to cling to. That crock must have been strong to drag me this deep in to the tomb, so fast. I looked around to see if I could see any trace of the crock or better yet a way out. As I searched and began to press on I could hear something faint in the distance. What was it, could it be music? No, surely I was just imagining it. I casually, quietly slid down the corridor. As I progressed deeper in to the tomb, I could see a faint light and I could most definitely hear some kind of music.
I rounded a corner to see find a great chamber. A chandelier hung from the ceiling, there were shelves a table and a couch even fine rugs on the stone floor. I quietly moved up a stair case on to the dry floor of the room. When I herd the stern voice of a man shout, "wipe your feet." I turned to find an old man wearing a gaudy old amulet. He slowly waked toward me with each step he clicked his crocodile head cane on the stone floor. When he stood only a foot away from me he stopped and demanded I explain my self. "Explain my self, what the hell are you doing hiding in a cave?" I enquired. He screeched at his bushy white mustache and simply explained he was an archeologist. "Like that explains anything." I shouted. "calm your self," he said. "I live hear be cause I am on a field study and this place is convenient and suits my research." "Do the crocks bother you in here?" He laughed turned around, and stroked the crock head in his cane, "they don’t bother if you know how to handle them."
Something was definitely wrong with this situation, but I couldn’t tell what. I decided to stick around for as long as possible to see what this old geezer knew. He appeared to be a hospitable old British man, even treating me to tea. I didn’t buy it, as soon as he left to another chamber I checked out the place. A map on the desk with sites marked, that was to be expected from an archeologist. I saw an old tapestry in the corner, and looked behind it. Bingo a passage, it was a bit cliché, but interesting none the less. I shined my light in the passage to find it willed with treasure. Interesting in deed. I herd him returning, I quickly turned around and pulled out my gun. As he entered the room I shouted, "hold it right there." "Or what?" He laughed then pulled out a revolver. I emptied three rounds in to his chest, he convulsed. To my horror the wounds healed within seconds. He laughed and steadied his aim. With out hesitation I shot the gun out of his hand, then unloaded the rest of the clip into him as I fled for the door. He quickly healed and said, "That won’t work on me chap!" I bolted down the passage was and out of the cave in no time flat.
What had I just seen, how could some one survive so many hits? Maybe I had just imagined it all due to lack of oxygen or some toxic gases deep in the tomb. I drug my self ashore to find the jeep shredded, and Asenath dead, the work of a huge crock, probably the one that attacked me in the entrance to the tomb. I dug through the remainder of the supplies to find my flask of brandy. I found it and took a swig. I then turned around to find the river filled with crocks, there were nearly one hundred of them and in the middle of the river was a huge one-eyed crock. It was the one from the entrance of the tomb but on it’s back stood that old man. He shouted, "You thought you could challenge the great lord Carnarvon."
Things were starting to make sense now. If I remembered my history lessons Lord Carnarvon had discovered the tomb of the pharaoh Tutankhamun, some of his rivals speculated that he had stolen artifacts from the tomb. Apparently he had stolen the cane and amulet. The amulet granted him immortality, explaining how he survived nearly eighty years after his alleged death. No doubt that cane allowed him to control the crocs. While his crocks caused havoc he looted tombs, and amassed a fortune. I didn’t know exactly what his game was, and I decided not to find out. I reloaded my gun and ran to the river bank I leaped into the air and jumped from the back of one crock to another until I came to Carnarvon.
I leapt onto the back of crock with him. I shot him in the foot and he fell down to his knees, I ran to him and grabbed him by the neck. Only to find his revolver in my face. He pulled the trigger, I felt a sharp pain in my head. It slowly faded, I felt my head with my free hand, I was healed. It was then I noticed I was holding in my hand the chain if the amulet. My theory was right. I ripped the chain from the old man and but a bullet between his eyes. His body fell limp and slipped into the cold water. I held up the amulet to get a good look at it when the giant crock began to lash about. Without the old man’s cane to control it, it was going mad. I emptied my chamber into its head, it gurgle as it sank into the water.
I now found my self in a river full of crocks. Fortunately they were slowly dispersing, returning to their home ranges. I swam to the shore, to find one crock in my way. I decided to use Mexican dog hypnoses to render it harmless. I grabbed it by the head with my left hand and garbed it’s back foot with my right hand. It started to struggle so I quickly flipped it over and rubbed its stomach and throat simultaneity. It held still and growled, it had worked. I gave the crock a gentle push down the river, and leapt on to shore. Once ashore I realized I had lost the amulet of immortality, it was a saddening loss. Ultimately I decided it was all for the best, what fun is living if there is no risk of dying. I’d say none at all.
By: Andrew Smith
June 18, 1979 I had been summoned to Egypt to help deal with a crocodile infestation on the lower Nile. I thought this would be an easy mission and put some quick cash in my account. I was wrong. I had herd that the crocks I was being sent to hunt were unusually aggressive towards humans. Nearly one hundred attacks had been reported this season thirty of which resulted in the deaths of humans. It sounded peculiar, so I decided to investigate as I hunted the crocks.
My plane landed at the Kyro international airport, where I was greeted by an Egyptian translator and local guide. To my surprise it was not a dirty old man with a long beard, but a young woman. Her name was Asenath, she had dark hair and deep brown eyes. I imagine she looked something like Cleopatra, and I can see why both Creaser and Mark Anthony fell for her. (I’ll spare you the romance, after all you want to know how I meet the Dark Lord Carnarvon). She spoke perfect English, she explained that her father was killed by a rampaging crock while searching a series of semi submerged tombs along the banks of the Nile. I asked her to take me to that region, thus far it was my only lead and these tombs sounded like the perfect hiding place for a crock. We packed food, water, ammo, and every other item we could need on our journey, and took a jeep to Al Minya.
There we met up with several local "specialists," who clamed to be professional crocodile hunters. They had no luck quelling the crock problem having caught only two in the last three weeks, both of which were too small to kill humans. I examined the river banks where I found very few nests or tracks. The crock population was not exploding as the government had clamed, so why would these crocks attack people. Clearly I needed to investigate further. The following morning Asenath took me to the tomb where her father’s remains had been found. It looked like an average tomb from the outside, but it’s what’s on the inside that’s important. I garbed my pistol (a nice new desert eagle I had picked up on my trip over, it was .50 enough to kill any crock). As well as a knife and a light and jumped into the entrance of this ancient tomb. The water was only a little more than a foot deep, but that was still enough for a crock to hide in. Asenath begged me to be careful, I turned to her and ensured her that, the crock was the one she should save her concern for. At that moment I was grabbed by a massive crock and pulled under the water, I reached for my knife, which was strapped to my ankle. I found only the crocks head, I jabbed my fingers into its eye, it let go and made a hasty retreat. I had been saved from serious injury by the sheath of my knife. Good thing because I know found myself lost deep in the maze like depths of the tomb.
The only light I had was from my small flashlight, which I had somehow managed to cling to. That crock must have been strong to drag me this deep in to the tomb, so fast. I looked around to see if I could see any trace of the crock or better yet a way out. As I searched and began to press on I could hear something faint in the distance. What was it, could it be music? No, surely I was just imagining it. I casually, quietly slid down the corridor. As I progressed deeper in to the tomb, I could see a faint light and I could most definitely hear some kind of music.
I rounded a corner to see find a great chamber. A chandelier hung from the ceiling, there were shelves a table and a couch even fine rugs on the stone floor. I quietly moved up a stair case on to the dry floor of the room. When I herd the stern voice of a man shout, "wipe your feet." I turned to find an old man wearing a gaudy old amulet. He slowly waked toward me with each step he clicked his crocodile head cane on the stone floor. When he stood only a foot away from me he stopped and demanded I explain my self. "Explain my self, what the hell are you doing hiding in a cave?" I enquired. He screeched at his bushy white mustache and simply explained he was an archeologist. "Like that explains anything." I shouted. "calm your self," he said. "I live hear be cause I am on a field study and this place is convenient and suits my research." "Do the crocks bother you in here?" He laughed turned around, and stroked the crock head in his cane, "they don’t bother if you know how to handle them."
Something was definitely wrong with this situation, but I couldn’t tell what. I decided to stick around for as long as possible to see what this old geezer knew. He appeared to be a hospitable old British man, even treating me to tea. I didn’t buy it, as soon as he left to another chamber I checked out the place. A map on the desk with sites marked, that was to be expected from an archeologist. I saw an old tapestry in the corner, and looked behind it. Bingo a passage, it was a bit cliché, but interesting none the less. I shined my light in the passage to find it willed with treasure. Interesting in deed. I herd him returning, I quickly turned around and pulled out my gun. As he entered the room I shouted, "hold it right there." "Or what?" He laughed then pulled out a revolver. I emptied three rounds in to his chest, he convulsed. To my horror the wounds healed within seconds. He laughed and steadied his aim. With out hesitation I shot the gun out of his hand, then unloaded the rest of the clip into him as I fled for the door. He quickly healed and said, "That won’t work on me chap!" I bolted down the passage was and out of the cave in no time flat.
What had I just seen, how could some one survive so many hits? Maybe I had just imagined it all due to lack of oxygen or some toxic gases deep in the tomb. I drug my self ashore to find the jeep shredded, and Asenath dead, the work of a huge crock, probably the one that attacked me in the entrance to the tomb. I dug through the remainder of the supplies to find my flask of brandy. I found it and took a swig. I then turned around to find the river filled with crocks, there were nearly one hundred of them and in the middle of the river was a huge one-eyed crock. It was the one from the entrance of the tomb but on it’s back stood that old man. He shouted, "You thought you could challenge the great lord Carnarvon."
Things were starting to make sense now. If I remembered my history lessons Lord Carnarvon had discovered the tomb of the pharaoh Tutankhamun, some of his rivals speculated that he had stolen artifacts from the tomb. Apparently he had stolen the cane and amulet. The amulet granted him immortality, explaining how he survived nearly eighty years after his alleged death. No doubt that cane allowed him to control the crocs. While his crocks caused havoc he looted tombs, and amassed a fortune. I didn’t know exactly what his game was, and I decided not to find out. I reloaded my gun and ran to the river bank I leaped into the air and jumped from the back of one crock to another until I came to Carnarvon.
I leapt onto the back of crock with him. I shot him in the foot and he fell down to his knees, I ran to him and grabbed him by the neck. Only to find his revolver in my face. He pulled the trigger, I felt a sharp pain in my head. It slowly faded, I felt my head with my free hand, I was healed. It was then I noticed I was holding in my hand the chain if the amulet. My theory was right. I ripped the chain from the old man and but a bullet between his eyes. His body fell limp and slipped into the cold water. I held up the amulet to get a good look at it when the giant crock began to lash about. Without the old man’s cane to control it, it was going mad. I emptied my chamber into its head, it gurgle as it sank into the water.
I now found my self in a river full of crocks. Fortunately they were slowly dispersing, returning to their home ranges. I swam to the shore, to find one crock in my way. I decided to use Mexican dog hypnoses to render it harmless. I grabbed it by the head with my left hand and garbed it’s back foot with my right hand. It started to struggle so I quickly flipped it over and rubbed its stomach and throat simultaneity. It held still and growled, it had worked. I gave the crock a gentle push down the river, and leapt on to shore. Once ashore I realized I had lost the amulet of immortality, it was a saddening loss. Ultimately I decided it was all for the best, what fun is living if there is no risk of dying. I’d say none at all.
California Jack
The Great White Hunter meets California Jack
By: Andrew Smith
October 3 1964, I find myself wandering alone through the great Kalahari Desert of South Africa. The Sun beats down on my shoulders and the back of my sweat drenched neck. I had removed my shirt and with a bit of ingenuity made it into a canteen, none the less my water supply was dwindling.
Now your probably wondering how I came to be in such a dire situation yet again. Even asking hour self didn’t he learn his lesson in Burma in 46, in Shanghai in 52, or better yet in Arabia in 43, and don’t forget Shanghai in 62. You should know the great white hunter is never discouraged by his past failures, one of many traits that make me so deadly. But to answer your question it all started two weeks ago when my old war buddy Lanigan tracked me down in Morocco, and clamed he had a plan to steal $800,000,000 worth of uncut diamonds from a newly discovered mine in South Africa. We pooled our resources and bought an old war relic of a plane and set off. As we flew over the Kalahari we lost oil pressure to our only engine and went down. Lanigan managed to land us safely, but the plane was done for. I then berated him for fancying himself a pilot when he had no license nor common sense enough to perform basic pre-flight checks.
We then set off into the vast and unforgiving desert. We traveled for three days living off rotten maggot infested gazelle meat and lion urine (quite good once you procure a taste for it). On the fourth day I noticed Lanigan looked ill. Suddenly he began to yell pure madness and run around in circles. I realized an African red sandworm must have burrowed into his brain when he took a sip of water from an elephant wallow. This would explain the madness, but there was little I could do for him. I had "Potshot" my lucky rifle with me and a few dozen founds of ammo. I pondered ending his misery for him, but before I could act he bolted off into the bush. I perused him briefly but soon herd the unmistakable roar of a lion followed by the eerie screams of the dying limey bastard.
So I return to the opening of this tale where I was wondering though the bush low on water. I approached a thicket where I thought I might rest for a while and cool down. As I drew near a volley of spears shot out at me. With out hesitation I swung about my rifle and deflected the spears. Then a cavalcade of Mumbary tribal hunters came riding out of the thicket on giant boars straight for me. I remembered boars while ferric still fear the king of the Kalahari, the lion. I flung my flask of lion urine into the air and the boars quickly cut and ran for safety. Being a skilled bushman I knew they would lead me to a village with food and water.
After following their tracks for several hours I spotted a village silhouetted by the setting sun I knew I was being setup for a surprise attack, but I was driven to haste by my unbearable thirst. As I approached the outskirts of the village things seemed too quiet, then I spotted a great tall figure standing alone holding a rifle in his left hand and several spears in the other, I couldn’t make out his face due to lack of light. However I could tell by the way he held the rifle he did not intend to use it, and by the spears I was guessing he was out of ammo. I called out "Who are you?" He was silent, and I was fed up. I sprang towards him dodging every spear he threw until he had no more. Then I lunged straight at his gut, But before I made contact he cracked me over the head with the but of his rifle. I was out before I hit the ground.
I awoke the next morning tied to a pole in a small dusty hut. The same warrior his back to me, he was checking out my rifle, his old rifle was propped up against the wall of the hut. "Who are you?" I shouted at him.
He laughed and answered "Call me California Jack." He turned around and grinned. Despite his dark complexion his features looked caucasian. "Your wondering who I am And why I am here aren’t you?" He grabbed a gourd and poured some water down my throat.
"let me tell you my story, When I was young I was a California beach bum who came from a rich family, I had no worries or expectations. As I grew older that changed I desired more than a killer tan, So I set off to surf the world. But my plane crashed and I was saved by the Mumbaty. Since I fell from the sky with this rifle, the likes of which they had never seen they thought I was a God. So naturally I stayed here. Now you must understand my people still fear the white man that is why you’re being treated as such. Unfortunately I ran out of ammo some time ago and some of the villagers are beginning to doubt my power. Another reason I am keeping you away from them, If they discovered who I truly am they will kill both of us. So I trust you will understand when I ask for your help."
After his ridiculous story I found my self coursed on to the heights branches of a lone tree. About three miles from the village. From the tree we could see a crude trap that California Jack had constructed out of weeds and twine, in hopes of catching a dreaded white rhino.
He had explained as we built the trap on a well traveled game trail, that rhino had harassed the village for nearly a year. After being forced from its home range due to encroachment of white farmers. I had in turn told him that no simple trap could ever hope to hold a white rhino. He insisted we need not capture it but only hold it for a moment so I could unload my rifle in to it. Again I suggested that with such a poorly built trap we would be lucky to hold it that long. As we sat there in the treetop he hummed an annoying tune to no end. I was ready to throw him out of the tree when he suddenly stopped. "Look!" he said pointing toward the trap. The rhino was tangled in the tangle of weeds and twine. "Hurry kill it!" he cried grabbing my arm and preventing me from aiming properly. "Let go you fool!" I shouted as we began to quarrel over the rifle. "Just give me some ammo." He said reaching in to my bag. I slapped his hand away and dozens of shells rained out of the tree. Now I had only the five shells in my rifles chamber. It was in this moment of chaos that the rhino drawn by our commotion rammed into the tree. With a jolt and a great thud we both fell out of the tree and onto the rhinos back.
I sat hear the head facing back towards Jack, he sat opposing me. The rhino was not keen on being ridden, and began to rampage about wildly. Now sitting face to face on the back of the furious beast in the middle of a god forsaken desert we continued to scrap. Both of us swinging our rifles at one another. I did not shoot first of all to conserve ammo for the rhino, and as a matter of honor between two dueling Bushmen. We held on tight, Jack got in a good hit followed by another. I realized he was strong but over confident, so I let my self slip some to throw off his guard. He lunged ford to knock me off the beast, it was then I jabbed him in the gut with the but of my rifle. He let out a oafff and slid off the rhinos back.
With that nuisance out of my way I flipped around and held my rifle to the rhinos neck, suddenly I was bucked off. I fell onto the hot course sand, I rolled momentarily then sprang to my feet just in time to see the rhino charging at me. I quickly dogged behind a rock and the clumsy beast roared by I held my rifle steady and took aim I unloaded three shots as soon as I could se its head. I narrowly missed grazing the beast and infuriating it even more. It charged at me again, and again I took aim and pulled the trigger. Nothing, the gun was jammed with the desert sand. The rhino rapidly approaching lowered its head to run me through with its great horn. I knew the next moment would have to be timed perfectly, or this would be my last hunt. As the rhino drew ever closer I held my position until it was within ten feet of me, then I sprang up and leapt to the other side of the rock that lay behind me. The rhino while strong and swift was no match for the ancient steadfast stone.
I rose to my feet as the sun fell to the west, I dusted myself off and headed south. I hoped that somewhere in South Africa there was still a fortune waiting for me. I walked south Knowing that somewhere out in the desert was a very angry California Jack whom I would one day meet again. Perhaps then he would have ammo to shoot back with.
By: Andrew Smith
October 3 1964, I find myself wandering alone through the great Kalahari Desert of South Africa. The Sun beats down on my shoulders and the back of my sweat drenched neck. I had removed my shirt and with a bit of ingenuity made it into a canteen, none the less my water supply was dwindling.
Now your probably wondering how I came to be in such a dire situation yet again. Even asking hour self didn’t he learn his lesson in Burma in 46, in Shanghai in 52, or better yet in Arabia in 43, and don’t forget Shanghai in 62. You should know the great white hunter is never discouraged by his past failures, one of many traits that make me so deadly. But to answer your question it all started two weeks ago when my old war buddy Lanigan tracked me down in Morocco, and clamed he had a plan to steal $800,000,000 worth of uncut diamonds from a newly discovered mine in South Africa. We pooled our resources and bought an old war relic of a plane and set off. As we flew over the Kalahari we lost oil pressure to our only engine and went down. Lanigan managed to land us safely, but the plane was done for. I then berated him for fancying himself a pilot when he had no license nor common sense enough to perform basic pre-flight checks.
We then set off into the vast and unforgiving desert. We traveled for three days living off rotten maggot infested gazelle meat and lion urine (quite good once you procure a taste for it). On the fourth day I noticed Lanigan looked ill. Suddenly he began to yell pure madness and run around in circles. I realized an African red sandworm must have burrowed into his brain when he took a sip of water from an elephant wallow. This would explain the madness, but there was little I could do for him. I had "Potshot" my lucky rifle with me and a few dozen founds of ammo. I pondered ending his misery for him, but before I could act he bolted off into the bush. I perused him briefly but soon herd the unmistakable roar of a lion followed by the eerie screams of the dying limey bastard.
So I return to the opening of this tale where I was wondering though the bush low on water. I approached a thicket where I thought I might rest for a while and cool down. As I drew near a volley of spears shot out at me. With out hesitation I swung about my rifle and deflected the spears. Then a cavalcade of Mumbary tribal hunters came riding out of the thicket on giant boars straight for me. I remembered boars while ferric still fear the king of the Kalahari, the lion. I flung my flask of lion urine into the air and the boars quickly cut and ran for safety. Being a skilled bushman I knew they would lead me to a village with food and water.
After following their tracks for several hours I spotted a village silhouetted by the setting sun I knew I was being setup for a surprise attack, but I was driven to haste by my unbearable thirst. As I approached the outskirts of the village things seemed too quiet, then I spotted a great tall figure standing alone holding a rifle in his left hand and several spears in the other, I couldn’t make out his face due to lack of light. However I could tell by the way he held the rifle he did not intend to use it, and by the spears I was guessing he was out of ammo. I called out "Who are you?" He was silent, and I was fed up. I sprang towards him dodging every spear he threw until he had no more. Then I lunged straight at his gut, But before I made contact he cracked me over the head with the but of his rifle. I was out before I hit the ground.
I awoke the next morning tied to a pole in a small dusty hut. The same warrior his back to me, he was checking out my rifle, his old rifle was propped up against the wall of the hut. "Who are you?" I shouted at him.
He laughed and answered "Call me California Jack." He turned around and grinned. Despite his dark complexion his features looked caucasian. "Your wondering who I am And why I am here aren’t you?" He grabbed a gourd and poured some water down my throat.
"let me tell you my story, When I was young I was a California beach bum who came from a rich family, I had no worries or expectations. As I grew older that changed I desired more than a killer tan, So I set off to surf the world. But my plane crashed and I was saved by the Mumbaty. Since I fell from the sky with this rifle, the likes of which they had never seen they thought I was a God. So naturally I stayed here. Now you must understand my people still fear the white man that is why you’re being treated as such. Unfortunately I ran out of ammo some time ago and some of the villagers are beginning to doubt my power. Another reason I am keeping you away from them, If they discovered who I truly am they will kill both of us. So I trust you will understand when I ask for your help."
After his ridiculous story I found my self coursed on to the heights branches of a lone tree. About three miles from the village. From the tree we could see a crude trap that California Jack had constructed out of weeds and twine, in hopes of catching a dreaded white rhino.
He had explained as we built the trap on a well traveled game trail, that rhino had harassed the village for nearly a year. After being forced from its home range due to encroachment of white farmers. I had in turn told him that no simple trap could ever hope to hold a white rhino. He insisted we need not capture it but only hold it for a moment so I could unload my rifle in to it. Again I suggested that with such a poorly built trap we would be lucky to hold it that long. As we sat there in the treetop he hummed an annoying tune to no end. I was ready to throw him out of the tree when he suddenly stopped. "Look!" he said pointing toward the trap. The rhino was tangled in the tangle of weeds and twine. "Hurry kill it!" he cried grabbing my arm and preventing me from aiming properly. "Let go you fool!" I shouted as we began to quarrel over the rifle. "Just give me some ammo." He said reaching in to my bag. I slapped his hand away and dozens of shells rained out of the tree. Now I had only the five shells in my rifles chamber. It was in this moment of chaos that the rhino drawn by our commotion rammed into the tree. With a jolt and a great thud we both fell out of the tree and onto the rhinos back.
I sat hear the head facing back towards Jack, he sat opposing me. The rhino was not keen on being ridden, and began to rampage about wildly. Now sitting face to face on the back of the furious beast in the middle of a god forsaken desert we continued to scrap. Both of us swinging our rifles at one another. I did not shoot first of all to conserve ammo for the rhino, and as a matter of honor between two dueling Bushmen. We held on tight, Jack got in a good hit followed by another. I realized he was strong but over confident, so I let my self slip some to throw off his guard. He lunged ford to knock me off the beast, it was then I jabbed him in the gut with the but of my rifle. He let out a oafff and slid off the rhinos back.
With that nuisance out of my way I flipped around and held my rifle to the rhinos neck, suddenly I was bucked off. I fell onto the hot course sand, I rolled momentarily then sprang to my feet just in time to see the rhino charging at me. I quickly dogged behind a rock and the clumsy beast roared by I held my rifle steady and took aim I unloaded three shots as soon as I could se its head. I narrowly missed grazing the beast and infuriating it even more. It charged at me again, and again I took aim and pulled the trigger. Nothing, the gun was jammed with the desert sand. The rhino rapidly approaching lowered its head to run me through with its great horn. I knew the next moment would have to be timed perfectly, or this would be my last hunt. As the rhino drew ever closer I held my position until it was within ten feet of me, then I sprang up and leapt to the other side of the rock that lay behind me. The rhino while strong and swift was no match for the ancient steadfast stone.
I rose to my feet as the sun fell to the west, I dusted myself off and headed south. I hoped that somewhere in South Africa there was still a fortune waiting for me. I walked south Knowing that somewhere out in the desert was a very angry California Jack whom I would one day meet again. Perhaps then he would have ammo to shoot back with.
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